The Poopyhands Weightloss Junction

Better

2008-03-31T08:26:00.000-07:00

I have been ever-so-slowly improving in the health department, Peeps. I went to the gym at lunchtime last Friday and did some very good running, and that combined with my no-white new eating habits (I don't want to call it a 'diet' because I'm not even glancing at calories or restricting amounts in any way), has helped me feel better. I don't know if I look better, although TT says I do, but I feel better.

Surlier, without question, but better health-wise.

I'm going to go to the gym today at lunch. It's been a great discovery that I can actually do that because usually when I work out at home it means being awake until 11 or 12 at night. That's fine once or twice, but over the long-term it's a killer.

The only downside is that right now today I can feel my stomach swelling because of the IC. I'm having bladder pain; only level 2 which is well managable, but still noticable.

I'm hoping with every hope I have that it's been brought on by the two rounds of major antibiotics and being sick. If it's the new excercise and/or eating plan I'm on, that could be bad news for long-term change.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Help Me See the Light

2008-03-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

So, I got sick again. That is some bad news. The further bad news is that today, three treatments into some heavy antibiotics, I couldn't stand it anymore and tried going to the gym at lunchtime.

I had to walk there, find my way around, get dressed, find a treadmill (of course, one that was right in front of the mirror. Hooray! Get to watch my fat ass run!) and the Bally's had their heat set on "HELL".

For the first ten minutes I walked fast and ran. I ran for two minutes, then I ran for three and a half minutes and then I died.

Honest to god, I tried to walk fast after that but I got dizzy and felt so, so much like I was going to puke.

Please remind me that this is what I want: fit and fun!

Please remind me that this is what it is not: a contest.

I don't have to be there tomorrow. I can have to take a break and it's just tough titties if I gain a little when I stop. Right eating would help, and I'm working on that, but emotionally beating myself up for having to take a week off because I'm sick does nobody nogood nohow.

Mostly now I feel like crap.

I hate being sick.

PS - I'm on a diet of no white sugar, no white flour. Good thing I didn't look at the ingredients before I guzzled down two vitamin waters after my "workout".

Nice. Real nice.

NOT ME THE PANTS

2008-03-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

I went to Lane Bryant, Peeps. I tried on the Jeans of Doom in the same size and cut in which they were originally purchased.

THEY TOTALLY FIT.

If I didn't know that they were going to shrink to two inches shorter and several inches smaller in the waist, I'd totally buy them again.

In fact, LB told me to bring back the shrunken ones and they will make it right. In the future I'm handwashing and line-drying all my clothes. It's just easier.

NOT ME THE PANTS.

Bad Pants Good Bar

2008-03-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out on the town with Mah Mahan. We've really been hitting the excercise equipment and were feeling good. Then I made the tactical error of trying on jeans.

I do not know how, other than to assume that all my jeans have been shrinking, how to account for the fact that last summer I could wear them, when I was a similar size, and now I cannot. At the same time that these jeans have been riding up slowly and becoming difficult to button, my fat pants have been getting to the point where they are falling off of me, and my bathing suit no longer fits.

I officially hate all my clothes.

So I got dressed and it's just disappointing. I FEEL so much thinner than I look, and I look a lot thinner than I'm dressing.

By the time we left to go out last night I was miserable about the stupid fucking jeans and feeling fat again. After all this work, fat again.

Then I got hit on a bunch of times and once at the bar from a 25 year old kid who thought I was his age. It was wonderful. And I ordered two drinks because I could obviously not go back up to the bar because I was blushing horribly and stammering and acting like an idiot.

I'm too fat for my jeans, my fat pants are too big, I have nothing to wear, and I attract cute 25 year olds.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

TO FAT LADY SINGZ

2008-03-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

Sweetheart, I don't know if there is something up with my firewall or what, but any time I try to get to your website I get an error. I can read what you write through my blogger feed, but I can't get to your actual page, which means I can't comment.

I've been reading, I hope the best for you. Let me know if something about your page has changed so that I can update the blogroll and start commenting agian, okay?

KP

Independent Inspiration

2008-03-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been going well. I don't know how many folks still read here, but I thought I'd give you an update. Afer my last whiney post I've been firmly back on the excercising wagon. It helped that I took the Troublemaker to a strip club for his birthday this week. I didn't need to be thin for that event, but I really, really needed to feel good about myself. Excercising and sexy red pumps did the trick nicely.

HEADLINE: ACCOUNTABILITY

The day before the outing I hit a goal marker for me. We have a treadmill that has a speed program. I wind up going a distance of a mile and three quarters. It goes like this:

2 minutes slow walking - warm up
2 minutes medium walking
2 minutes slow walking
3 minutes running
1 minute medium walking
2 minutes running
1 minute fast walking
4 minutes running
1 minute fast walking
2 minutes running
1 minutes medium walking
3 minutes running
2 minutes slow walking
2 minutes medium walking
2 minutes slow walking - Cool down

That's 14 total minutes out of a 30 minute program spent actually running. If I put the treadmill at the lowest speed setting I can walk those running segments. I have to walk very fast, but I can do it. When I started out I walked all of it. It's enough to raise my heart rate.

Over time I've slowly been bumping the program up just a little bit and trying to run longer and longer periods of time. At first if I did any running I called it good. Then I ran every other segment, and half the middle four minute segment that makes baby Jesus cry.

Three nights ago, for the first time, I ran the full 14 minutes that are called for. I very nearly died, but I did it. 14 minutes of running.

Then the next night was Strip club night and I didn't excercise.

Last night I was hung over and exhausted and miserable and had to talk myself up by telling myself at first that if I just GOT ON the treadmill it would count. Then I said, hey, it's all good, why not just do the walking version of the program?

Of course, when I got on the treadmill I sort of started into the program on automatic and even though I was hung over and exhausted and I lurched around and looked sad, I ran all the running minutes again. I just kept telling myself I'd done it before so I could totally do it again. And you know what? I was right.

I've been excercising almost every day. I do the half hour treadmill program and then I do a half hour on the recumbant bike on a hill program. While I'm on the bike I do weights on my arms. Then I do the 90 crunches and I'm up to 20 wimpy, halfassed pushups.

I don't even care about the stupid scale. I can see the difference in the mirror. I can feel the difference in my head.

HEADLINE: INSPIRATION or WHAT KICKBOXING CAN DO

One of my big heroes right now is P!nk. She's kind of crazy and strange, but she's powerful and looks like someone who lives in her body. I'd like to live in my body. I'd like my next letter to my body to not feel like it was a message in a bottle.

Here's her interview with Ellen in November of last year. She looks tremendous, but more than that she looks strong. I like that she looks strong.

Of course, maybe the reason I like the way she looks there is that it's doable for me. That's what I look like when I lose weight. I don't get "skinny", I get "fit". So what her body is doing? I mean, she's thin but she still has thighs and a big head and a nice butt big shoulders? That's what my body does. In fact, I actually preferred the way she looked a year before this interview, when she was a little heavier. Her butt was cuter then.

In the interview P!nk says that she runs for an hour a day and then does yoga for an hour a day. Then, of course, she has tours where she sings and dances for hours a night. I can't do that, but lordy I would love to get to the point where I do the program listed above and then turn around and start it over again. Run for an hour. That's madness. I love it.

At one point, when I was about 25, I was kickboxing and lifting weights three times a week and dancing every night. I was hot. Really hot. This is what I see when I think of myself in my head. This is why the mirror is always so disappointing:

That's what I want. I want me. I want me at my best, not perfect, but seriously awesome anyhow. I don't want to be a stick figure, I want to be STRONG. That, that photo is me. I'm going to try and get as close as I can.

I inspire me.

When I reach this look again I'm going to die my hair red again (don't care how poor we are) and get a tattoo. Because I want to mark the day I stopped making excuses. I want to mark the day I decided I was done being old and sad.

In case you want some musical inspiration: Later on Ellen, singing U + UR Hand, the song that gets me through those four minutes of hell on the treadmill.

Can Lightening Strike Twice?

2008-03-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

Last night was a success, Peeps. I started off with six miles (a half an hour) on the recumbant bike at a moderately difficult program with some hills. I lifted weights. I did two less reps than I usually do with each grouping, but I lifted weights.

Then I walked a reasonable clip on the hill program of the treadmill for a half an hour (a mile and a half). It wasn't enough to get sweating and was NOTHING like what I left it at, but I moved.

I did ninty crunches and 15 pushups (wimpy ones).

Today I felt kind of fluey and icky and my hips hurt this morning like a motherfucker, but I did it. I moved.

As soon as I sign off here I'm going to put away the groceries, take out the trash, and then try and do some of it again, even though I'm tired. I'm not going to run flat out or worry about how far or how fast... I'm just going to move.

Ugh. I hate moving.

Losing the Lost

2008-03-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

Ugh, there is this challange going around right now, Peeps. It involves writing a letter to one's body. Without fail I have seen, over and over again, women writing to tell their bodies, perhaps a little grudgingly, that they love them. I think that is awesome, for them. Me? My letter (the short version) would look something like this:

Dear Body,

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. How you continue to function while being totally and completely fucking useless is beyond me. A big old thank you for the gorgeous kid, but beyond that, go fuck yourself.

KP

It's not pretty, I know it isn't, but let us take the recent events as proof that I really really hate the way my system is set up. Here I am, as usual, finally getting off my ass, making an effort to get us cleaned up. What do I get?

Flu
Secondary Pneumonia
Antibiotics that mean I have to be treated for a systemic yeast infection
Antibiotics that mean that my Intersticial Cystitis is back and I cannot:
Eat anything nice
Have sex
Pee
Breathe .... without pain
Hemorrhoids - because, really, why not?!

I lost some weight early in the process, as you do when you spend the entire day sleeping instead of eating, but as quickly as my body responds to excercise is as quickly as it falls back. I feel like I've lost all my returned muscle, lost my momentum, and I'm just as fatty fat fat as I've ever been.

Today I took my last antibiotic pill (YAY!) and I'm not feeling so awful I want to die for the first time in two weeks, so I have made a deal with myself -

I am going to do an experiment to see if I can watch a Harry Potter video on my computer while on either the treadmill or the recumbant bike. I was going to do my nails first, but as I've procrastinated until 11pm, that might be a little "ambitious". Movie+Moving. This is my hope.

I have a big old post about the difference in weight loss before and after you have kids, but that's hanging out in the back of my head.

Here's hoping I don't break a limb or something tonight! Wish me luck!

*snarl*

Enforced Cake

2008-02-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

So I excercised my butt off this weekend, Peeps. Having my iPod come back was a godsend. P!nk's U + UR HAND is the perfect song for pounding down the treadmill and punching the air. Biking is done perfectly to Bowling for Soup. I kicked some workout ass, and I can tell. My thighs are starting to get the rock-hard muscle undernieth and my belly keeps getting smaller.

I went to a pool party on Saturday and my swimsuit was too big, yay!

Mentally, I haven't been doing quite as well (see Speckblog soon for the nitty gritty) and so on Saturday night The Troublemaker bought me some cake to be comforting.

Do you know, I MADE myself eat that cake? Do you want to know why? Because I actually caught myself thinking about how horrible and guilty I would feel for eating that cake and what a terrible person I'd be and how much better a human being I'd be if I didn't touch it.

In other words, my obsession tried to flip from EAT EVERYTHING NOW to DON'T EAT ANYTHING EVER.

I know this train, Peeps. It involves a ton of guilt, a boatload of repression and denial and it derails promptly a month after it starts with some major deprivation binge eating.

NO. I'm not going to be one of those girls. NO. NO. Will not happen. I'm going to eat cake, just not until I want to throw up. I'm going to eat cookies, just not the whole box especially if I don't actually want the whole box. I'm not going to let food run me.

So on Saturday night, thanks to my lovely husband, I was able to eat a nice-sized piece of cake. I gave myself unbridled permission to eat as much as I wanted and it turns out that I wanted a slice. Not the whole thing, but a slice. I did not expect to only want a slice, but I did.

Importantly, today I do not feel either self-ritious or deprived. I don't need to prove anything by not eating or prove anything by eating everything I see, because today food is not about proving stuff. It's just food.

I don't want to be a stupid girl.

Quick Update

2008-02-15T08:09:00.000-08:00

Hi there! I just wanted to report in. Let you know how I'm doing.

Under the heading of food I'm doing poorly: I eat anything I want whenever I want it. This is not good. I'm trying to eat more vegetables and a little more fruit, with some mixed results.

Under the excercise heading, however, I'm doing very well. Most nights I manage to walk/run on an incline at a reasonable pace for a half an hour on the treadmill, do 90 crunches and 15 sad, pathetic pushups. On really good nights I'm able to also do a half an hour on the recumbant bike and some weight lifting in the arms at the same time.

Everything is firming up. My soft, white underbelly is disappearing.

My weight continues to go up because of the massive muscle explosion (again, totally normal for me), but I've lost an inch off my waist and an inch off of each of my thighs. Arms and hips are the same (that's where I lose weight last), and my bust has actually gone up an inch. This is because as the muscles build and tighten underneith they go from sort of sacks to sort of TORPEDOS. I, myself, am not especially enamored of this, but The Troublemaker seems to think it a positive event, so whatever.

Luckily one of the first places I lose weight is in my face, and you can really tell. I can really tell. My face is getting pointy again.

Now, as of Tuesday next week PMS should be over and hopefully I can get some of the eating under control. In the meantime I promise you to excercise every day this weekend.

I hope it's going well in your neck of the woods! Let me know!

KP

Don't Wanna

2008-02-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

Look, I don't want to post here. I don't want to have to lose weight. I don't want to do any of this.

We finally got our recumbant bike in so on Friday TT and I added that to our excercise routine. It was good. On Saturday I managed to get time in ten minute intervals between getting Wallace down for a nap to run on the treadmill. Or rather, not getting him down.

So I'm doing okay with the excercising.

Yesterday I didn't feel like it, but we've been battling colds. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Tonight I'll get off my ass.

The food, not so good. Doing perfectly crappily potty with the food, in fact. I'm trying to do better and include more veg and fruit, but really now that I'm working out I'm just a hungry hungry hippo.

Also, because the muscles are going on (this is what my body does: "Oh? We're moving? Must be time to plow the fields!" *BLAM*) the weight on the scale has been going up as well. My face looks thinner and I'm infinately more toned than I was two weeks ago, and what the scale says is that I'm fatter. FATTER? AFTER ALL THIS?

I know I'm not supposed to care, but I do. I'm not supposed to be that shallow, but I am.

I'm also tired of trying to find the space and energy for this with everything that's going on, not the least of which a three year old who has decided he's fourteen and going to make my life fucking crazy.

I'll get on the treadmill tonight. I won't eat at the computer. I'll eat a vegetable at dinner.

Today, that is all I can promise you.

Stupid fucking accountability.

NOT ME

2008-02-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

This is not me.

This is not me.

This is not me.

This is not me.

This is me. Who is that bitch that has my body, and what has she done with it?

That last picture reminds me that the Greatest Shoes Ever Made were destroyed in last year's flood. I mourn them.

Accountable

2008-02-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

Also starving.

So I just did a mile and a half fast-walk on the treadmill uphill. I was going to do another mile and a half, but someone woke up from their nap.

D'OH!

Still, better than nothing, right?

Meanwhile, I'm STARVING.

Disappointed

2008-01-30T19:44:00.000-08:00

I was doing really well there for a little bit; getting on the treadmill and feeling good. As of two days ago I was two pounds down and feeling 15 pounds down, but then the flu hit and while I know that I should be kind to myself, I feel like a failure.

I'm disappointed. I want to be thin, now. I want to not have to be nice to myself, but I want to fight and fight and be thin.

Life gets in the fucking way of stuff, you know?

Beginning Successes

2008-01-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

Well, Peeps, I followed all my rules. I did not snack in front of the computer. I had a full glass of water before any snack. I took my vitamins. I wrote on the Weightloss Junction, and I got on the treadmill.

In fact, today was day three of me getting my butt on the treadmill. I put on the movie Chicago, which has pretty ladies to aspire to be and kickin, bouncy songs, and just walk. Instead of what I've done historically, which is incorporating running, this time I'm sticking with the fast walk, but incorporating HILLS. Big ones.

My butt hurts and my legs are sore, but totally in that good way. I'm feeling accomplished and already thinner. Not a lot thinner, and nobody but me would notice, but already the core muscles in my body are responding. I feel good.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na HIT MEH!

Sorry.

There have been rough points. Only three days into it and I'm absolutely shocked to discover how angry I am about not being allowed to eat in front of the computer. My brain is outraged. I keep telling it, "Look, you can go to the vending machine. You just have to eat it in the break room, not at your desk. You can eat anything you want! Stop grousing and go and eat."

And my brain keeps snapping back, "That's not the POINT. I'm not HUNGRY, you idiot. I just want to EAT."

*BING* And the light, she goes on.

Also I went out with MoVo last night and while we had a great time and I looked totally cute, I also was fat-cute, not thin cute. That was rough to deal with. Two days of reasonable eating and a minimum of excercise and I'm already convinced I should be able to put on a cat suit.

The worst part about addictions like this is how the only enemy I have is me. This is my anthem right now.

Don't Let Me Git Me

Fatabulous Dreams

2008-01-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

In our current "listing things in a list" theme, I'm going to create another list.

I don't know about you, but the moment I decide to eat less and excercise more, even if I haven't actually done it yet, even if I'm in the middle of a huge hunk of chocolate cake when I decide to crawl back, broken bleeding and fat, on the wagon, my brain starts with the daydream list.

The list of Things I want to do/wear when I'm no longer horrified by my body.

Now I know there are folks out there who have never liked their bodies, and I totally grok that. I didn't like my body until I was 23 years old, and then I fucking loved it until I was 26. My weight was between 160 (too skinny) and 175 (jus' perfect) for those three years and I was fit and pretty happy with it. Sure, I had to suck in my gut a little, but my boobs stayed big and my ghetto booty sat proudly on its own. I looked strong, felt good. It was good. I was an hourglass with muscles; all woman and lovely and strong with it.

That is how I would like to feel again. I will never be teensy, but I'd love to be tall and lithe again and to feel like my legs start at my hips rather than my knees.

A LIST OF DAYDREAMS I HAVE ABOUT WHAT I WILL DO WHEN I'M AT MY GOAL WEIGHT

1. Halloween Costumes - This is one of my all-time favorite daydreams, Peeps. There are several things I'd like to be for Halloween if I had to body to show off. Right now I can, off the top of my head, think of three: A) The chick from the Cake song "Short Skirt and a Long Jacket" B) Mrs. Lovett (with The Troublemaker as Todd, of course) and C) a hero of mine, Xena Warrior Princess. Ideally, MoVo would be Gabrielle because she would totally be perfect for it. I daydream constantly about great Halloween costumes. When TT and I were first married I made myself a cleopatra costume and hot DAMN it was hot and cute. I'd love to feel like that again.

2. Work clothes - Oh, god how I dream of just walking into a store like Talbots or Ann Taylor and taking something classic and chic and Audry Hepburn off the rack and just putting it on, paying for it and walking out. A suit with a little flare. A casual slack with a jazzy sweater. Nothing not age-appropriate, but oh-so-cute.

3. Casual clothes - I dream of making myself high-wasted, wide-legged comfortable pants like Katherine Hepburn used to wear all the time and not looking like a stuffed sausauge. Shirts that stop at my nautral waist rather than riding down my butt. Yoga pants with long tank tops that are casual-chic.

4. Dresses. Oh dresses. I don't even know where to begin with the dresses. I miss dresses so much, and more importantly I miss feeling sexy in dresses. I want to walk into a store and have my choice of the whole place again, rather than the choice of the four or five things that actually fit me.

I daydream. Do you?

Here's hoping I reach my Xena.

Fat Enough For Ya?

2008-01-25T07:07:00.000-08:00

Many lists, excuses, reasonings, opinions and other billious brilliance.

I realize the silence around these parts for the past, what, six months?, has been deafening. In the echoing emptiness I'm sure you heard the creak and pop of the fabric in my jeans as I gained even more weight and the happy squeeky voices of a thousand new excuses being born every minute.

There are several reasons I'm back here, one being the aforementioned creaks and popping noises, and the others being as complex as the fabric of my brain, which lately appears to be caked in the mud of pointless emotion.

In an effort to stop myself going on in a manner of the previous unreadable paragraph, I'm going to write some lists instead. Okay? Okay.

LIST #1 - IT IS VITAL THAT I LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:

1. My health is beginning to suffer - Things are being sprained that shouldn't be sprained because any effort on top of already carrying the weight I have is hurting me.

2. My mental health is in bad shape - Seeing myself heavy in the mirror is devistating. Losing the endorphins by not excercising is having a real effect. Sugar does not actually improve my mood, but makes it worse.

3. Money - My wardrobe cannot be replaced every five minutes while my weight pogosticks up and down from month-to-month. Stacy and Clinton would be appalled by what I leave the house in some days, but a ten pound practically overnight weight gain leaves me reeling. I just plain can't afford to be yoyoing anymore.

4. I'm about to lose my health insurance - That's right! When I leave for school in August I quit my job, which means not only the loss of that income, but the loss of my incredible health insurance. I'm on Lipitor right now and I need to be OFF it, because it costs more than gold boullon with the help of insurance and is plain unavailable to the underinsured.

5. Bad Mommy - My kid is now three and is quickly reaching the point where he can outrun me in distance and speed. That is just pathetic. Pretty soon I'll have to start wearing flip flops so I can have something on hand to throw at him as I lumber down the aisle of Target chasing his swiftly retreating back.

6. Bad wife - Here! Have sex with this hippopotomus!

7. Prejudice - Like it or lump it, there is a preconceived notion that individuals who are overweight cannot control their impulses, have lower self esteem, and are generally slobbier and stupider than the rest of the general population. While I have not found this to be necessarily the case myself, it does affect how people perceive you. I'm about to embark on a new career path. I would like people to see ME, first, and not my weight.

LIST #2 - I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:

1. I'm afraid of failing - I'm afraid that I'll give it all I've got, the best I've got, and I'll still not lose an ounce. This is highly unlikely, but it is likely that I won't lose as much as I want, as fast as I want, or with the poise I want. I'm afraid that I will try as hard as I can and still be a sad sack of fat. So I'm afraid of proving that deep down I really am what I look like.

2. I'm afraid of succeeding - I'm afraid that if I manage to lose the weight that people will expect me to always be perfect. I'm afraid of becoming food-obsessed, because that's all I've ever seen work. People turn their lives into being about food every minute, just so they don't fall off the wagon. I hate that.

3. I'm afraid of the attention - When you're fit it's not just Brad Pitt that looks at you appreciatively, it's that skeevy guy down the hall who leers and licks his lips and suggests a threesome with his dog. Men, in my experience, are shameless and that kind of attention can be hard to take. I have not yet grown up and understood that I can tell him to get the fucking fuck away from me. I'm still the kid who was molested on the subway at 14 with no idea what to do or how to handle it. Being thinner, for me, increases the vulnerability. Scary.

4. I'm terrified to lose the comfort - I eat to comfort myself. I've been going through a particular rough patch and not having rules in place about how to limit the comfort I'm getting (even though it's from food) feels like it's kept me from losing my mind. Will I go absolutely bananas when I can't turn to food for comfort? Sometimes the loony bin has seemed closer than ever; I don't want to go there.

LIST #3 - FIVE STEPS I AM GOING TO TAKE IMMEDIATELY, WHETHER I WANT TO OR NOT:

1. Revive the Weightloss Junction - To remember that underneith all this fat is a person, and she has the right to come out and live if she wants to.

2. No snacking in front of the computer - If I want a snack I must get up and get one and not eat in front of the flickering screne of numbness and happiness.

3. A drink of water first - I want a snack? I can have one! I just have to drink a glass of water first. Every time.

4. Take my vitamins - Must take Vite D, Calcium, Magnesium and Fish oil with breakfast and lunch, and a decent multi-vite with dinner.

5. Get on the treadmill and walk - No requirement for length or walking speed. Just MUST press "Start" and put one foot in front of the other tonight. Period.

So that's where I am, darlings. I'm off to look for a table that I can embed with my current weight and measurements, and can use to mark my progress. I have lots more to write and tell you about, but right now this has kind of taken everything I have, which is a good start, I think.

More soon,

Love,

KP

I Owe Youz an Update

2007-10-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

And I have written one, here:

http://www.speckblog.net/2007/10/26/bellas-wednesday-wellness-post-about-honesty/

It's not very pretty, but it's where I am. It's the only place I can be right now.

Food as Pampering??

2007-09-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, and hang with me here, this is going to get weird, I have been considering lately about using food as a method of pampering.

The weird part is that when I talk about this, I'm not talking about ice cream or cookies or cakes or other sweets or things that come pre-wrapped.

I will wait for you to revive...

Seriously, I have a huge history of hating the kitchen and everything about it. I have a food-touching phobia and will tell anyone that I possess no instincts when it comes to having things come out together on time. Of course, those instincts would be hard to procure with almost no history of doing any "cooking" other than "warming stuff up".

Recently, for my birthday, my husband took me out for a dinner that was truly spectacular. Eating like that, of course, would kill me in about a month, but the one thing that struck me over and over again was that with food that flavorful I really only had to eat a bite or two before I was "full". With food that flavorful my mouth told me nice and early on that I was done eating because it was in such extacy it could not take any more.

Then, two days later I went to the spa and had a five hour session of pampering, including a full hour sweedish massage and a facial. During the mani/pedi session I was talking to a woman who's sister-in-law does the spa every month. Once a month she goes in for a day away from the world and gets physical touch that is all about relaxing her, gets her hair and hands and face mooshed around and played with. Basically gets her skin tingled once a month, including between her toes.

I can understand why a person would do that once a month.

Ad campaigns will often come out for a yogurt or apples or something that says, in essence, treat your insides to a spa. I never got that. Really got it.

After this birthday and how I felt after the amazing food and the amazing spa, I think I'm starting to understand.

What if I started feeding myself and my family fresh food, well-prepared, on a regular basis? What if I just start with one recepie? One, that requires things made from their basic elements into something else? What if it was healthy and flavorful and tastey? Not rich and heavy or sugary, but zingy? Would I feel pampered?

I think, maybe, for the first time in my life, I might.

Does it Ever End?

2007-09-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

Steph at Back in Skinny Jeans has had a rough time lately. A breakup, a new place to live, new job. Recently she's gained back five of the pounds she'd lost and, to me, her newest vblog sounds like someone who is going through classic depression.

She's a determined woman, but in her vblog she asks, does it ever end? Does the work ever end?

The idea she posits is that folks will say that you have to simply choose to be healthy. While that is certainly fundimentally true, it is also a gross oversimplification of the human process.

Watch her vblog:

I feel for Steph. I remember when The Troublemaker and I split and I was pretty sure that I'd be happiest if I just lay down on the ground and never bothered getting up again. I remember that. It's awful.

And, if you're reading this Steph, often enough a rough day at work will be enough to knock me off my game. You've just had a major upheaval. I'm not sure how you can be strict with your diet and still be easy with yourself, but try to be easy with yourself if you can. You're still doing really well. I'd still call you a success!

Head over to her blog and offer her a word of support if you have the time. Hang in there, Steph!

Success on the Vacation of Luuurve

2007-09-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to tell you (which is what I'm flash-posting everywhere), but right now I'm still all jetlagged. What I did want to say is that my vacation against self-weirdness and hate was a total success. I put on dresses every day and wore makeup. I look worse in the photos that I've seen from the trip than I felt. Actually, throughout the thing I felt pretty damned good! I relaxed and enjoyed myself and my husband and my kid.

So what if I was fatter than I felt? So what if everyone else around me weighed less? I still dressed well, I acted young and flirty, I held myself with pride. My husband sure seemed to like it and that's all I need to say about that.

The super-de-duper dress worked a treat and I'll be posting photos of it over at Speckblog soon. It made my tits look awesome, if I do say so myself.

I also danced for five hours on Friday night. I got down. I sweated sheets of sweat and jumped around and shook my hair and I'm sure there are 6000 photos out there of me looking jiggly and stupid and many-chinned, but man did I feel amazing. Everyone wanted to dance with me. Everyone wanted my picture and I don't think that it was because I looked so amazingly stupid. At least, not too often.

I felt wonderful.

Then, on the way to work today I discovered that I suddenly began hating myself.

Ah. The culprit emerges.

Suddenly I know what's causing most of my self-esteem issues and I am very, very happy that I'm working on a new career.

Life is good. Look for dress pics because they are on their way.

I look wonderful, and so do you. Trust me. Nothing is as attractive as self-esteem.

How to Look Good Naked

2007-09-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

How to Look Good Naked is a show currently running in the UK. It deals with real bodies with "boobs, butts and tummies" and how to dress them up and how to feel about them when they are undressed. I've not seen it, but only seen the website. I'm impressed so far, however, and really like the Naked Rules that they've listed. I think the first two stages they list are very important:

Stage 1: Face Your Fears
Take your clothes off in front of a mirror and have a long hard look at yourself
For many of our ladies, taking their clothes off in front of anyone had became a massive ordeal. Stripping off in front of a mirror and taking a good hard look at yourself in the first step to facing your fears and building up your confidence.

Stage 2: Change Your Self-Perception
You're not as big as you think you are
The media bombard us all with unrealistic airbrushed images of women every day. These images of the stick thin, surgically enhanced women aren't very realistic but these images portray women as beautiful and successful so it's hard for normal women not to want to be like them. However, most normal women do not look like them so these pictures enforce feelings of negativity and encourage low self esteem.

So, the second stage of looking good naked is to start waking up to the way the media works and stop comparing these images to the way you look. Wake up to the fact that you actually look pretty ok, that you aren't as big as you think you are AND look at all the women around you – I bet most of them are the same as you.

Even Flabuless, who is trying to lead a life that is healthier and more realistic has said that she dislikes the look of fat flesh, so ipso facto, she dislikes the look of herself. I think that many of the women I know dislike the way they look. I think it's sad that I spend so much time disliking myself. Hell, I'm the only person I can control, shouldn't I actually like me?!? I could be my one ace-in-the-hole for approval!

I have to say that while getting my makeup done and finding sexy jeans and getting a new dress I felt empowered as often as I felt overwhelmed. I looked bad sometimes, but sometimes I also looked good. I had moments where my perspective shifted and I actually saw myself as I believe others must see me and, man, I'm not nearly as fat as I feel.

This vacation to London is going to be important, I think. I have a successful, polite, adorable and secure three year old son. I have a hot, successful, adored, talented brilliant husband who loves me to no end. I myself am successful at work, am working on a new career that is tailor-made for my skill set and I'm well-spoken, smart, and well put-together. We have a house, healthy well-cared-for pets, vehicles and everything else that could possibly indicate a life on the track to good things.

This vacation I'm going to try and wallow in my success and love everyone, including myself. It's time to take a break from negativity. This vacation is going to be the Vacation of Lurve.

Feel free to jot that down.

The Perfect Dress!

2007-09-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

I found it! I found it! I found it! I found it!

The perfect dress!!

I went for a last-ditch effort today and stopped by Nieman Marcus thinking that they wouldn't have anything. They had several things! Several things that fit! And didn't look frumpy! And then I picked this dress up off the shelf in Cobalt Blue:

YAYAYAYAYAYAY! It's just gorgeous. It fits me perfectly, and highlights everything that I want highlighted and hides the stuff I want to hide. It's a dark cobalt blue, so nothing bright or showy; it can be dressed down for the early afternoon wedding and dressed up for the fancy evening reception.

HOORAY!

I look hot and stylish! HOORAY! HOORAY FOR ME HOT AND SYLISH!

HOORAY!

Less Personal, Please

2007-09-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Or: The Power of Makeup

As my mate is slowly dropping a phenomenal amount of pounds by slamming on the treadmill every day like a superstah, and my mother sheds weight like water off a duck's back, I have stalled in my downward progress.

The illness crashed me out, the I wrenched my back, and then I had a killer period and am only now beginning to feel human again. Add to that my eating for comfort and I've been going the wrong way on the scale.

So I don't fit into the purple dress and am going to have to go get a last-minute emergency dress and I've been generally feeling crappy, ugly and unlovable.

However, I am determined that if we're attending the wedding of the fashion editor of the London Telegraph we will all look put together. Not necessarily fashion saavy, because we aren't, but the frump has got to go. Wallace has a new wardrobe primarily from H&M, I have sexy jeans and several dresses, as well as new boots to wear, and last night TT slid his hot new bod into a Calvin Klein suit that rocks.

Yesterday I also updated my makeup. Enough of this scrounging at the grocery store, I say! It's time to spend a little cash and get a few quality items! I procured some fancy makeup from the Nars counter at Nordstroms and within seconds of leaving the counter was hit on mercilessly.

On the escallator up a 30ish good looking guy is in front of me. He stares. I wonder what the hell he's staring about.

Guy: Do you know what floor this is?
Me: Um, third.
Guy: Okay. *pauses* See, I'm looking for something really specific.
Me: **
Guy: A pair of sheer pajama bottoms.
Me *wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy*: I don't work here.
Guy *embarassed*: I know you don't work here. I was just getting, you know, personal.
Me: Less personal would be better.

And that, my friends, is the power of makeup.

These are good carbs??

2007-09-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

In my never ending search for easy to make/eat food I sometimes pick up a package of the latest diet trend food. I think I tried Slim fast years ago. Then came the Weight Watchers Meals ( and all the other frozen diet food). Unfortunately, Weight Watchers was easy to handle until they started all those frozen deserts too.

Let's see, frozen entree or frozen ice cream sandwich.......Hummmmmm. The way I saw it, "points is points." oooooooooo......chocolate brownie thingy....

I also saw me wolfing down TWO fake ice cream sandwiches instead of eating anything that my body could actually use. I had to give up on the convenience foods. They were always just an unsatisfying pit stop on the way to the land of chronic food abuse. They never tasted good enough or filled me up enough. You see, I really like food. I like good food. However, bad food is a waste of time.

Well folks, I've done it again.

I was grocery shopping this afternoon and the lure of easy food proved too much. I picked up a South Beach Diet Santa Fe Style lunch. I was captivated by its picture. Not frozen, and there is chicken, a bowl, cheese, CHIPS and DIET JELLO. Holy crap. There are 240 calories, 6gs of fat, 29 gs of Protein, and best of all....24 grams of Carbohydrates!! I could totally eat this and still have 5 gms of carbs left over for lunch !!!! AND I was starved....

I drove home, put the groceries on the counter and grub around until I found the South Beach Box. While grubbing I passed up some really yummy bread, a beautiful feta cheese, some walnuts and a variety of other things.

I briefly thought about making sandwich instead. I usually have a piece of multi-grain bread, a serving of tasty tuna with light mayo and a couple of romaine leafs. I include apple slices or a peach and maybe my protein drink if I need to protein grms. I'm always very satisfied with this lunch. I actually LIKE this lunch. It's real food. It's in my 'fridge and always available.

So anyway, I ripped open the box eager to see the delicious and generous portions of food I had imagined.

As I pulled out the tiny package of itty bitty chicken, the little package of shredded bland cheese, the leeetle bowl and the leeetle spoon I knew I had done it again. Still in denial, I was hoping that the Chipotle chips were awesome. I guess I was hoping they tasted like, I donno, Fritos??? I was hoping and hoping.

But...no. The lunch was a disappointment. Everything was so inferior to what I would have made for myself it was insulting. However, I had bought it and I had made it, so I ate it. But it was pretty bad. I sniffled just thinking of all the great food I passed while I was grubbing for this sorry excuse for a lunch. It was another big waste of time.

Oh me. Oh my.

I suppose I will never be immune to the charms of Madison Avenue. But I would like to think that I learn by my mistakes. Sitting here still sort of hungry and feeling foolish I wonder if I ever will.

So tell me. What food mistakes seem to haunt you like a stinky ghost? Do you have food lessons that you just can't seem to learn?

Stuck in 90' somethin'

2007-09-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

During a recent visit from Krissy my self image was slightly shaken. It wasn't anything bad or hurtful just surprising. Here's what happened.

While sitting on our family room sofa and watching some silly late night show together, Krissy started teasing about our shockingly outdated TV. It is an old console TV. We do have cable on it but you have to actually get up to turn it on/off and to change the volume. It is huge. Not screen wise, just cabinet wise. Oh, and it is 18 years old.

I'm ashamed to say that the whole family has a lot of fun teasing Grandpa P about this TV. You see, he thinks it's great. Of course he knows it's hopelessly out of date but it still works and being the left brainier that he is he sees no reason to get rid of it.

I respect that. I even love that in him. (After all I'm sort of out of date myself) But it does give the family endless opportunity to tease at his expense. Then Krissy said something that surprised me. She started teasing me that the sofa and love seat we were sitting on were straight out of the 90's and didn't I think it was time to update.

What?

The sofa and love seat that I had bought? That I had planned the room around?

Sure it needed cleaning. No bad problems but a good cleaning. And, yes it was a plaid. I’ll even admit the funny looking pillows that came with it are flat and strange, but I never considered that it made the house look out of date. Hummmmm. What should I do? Here's the thing.

We will be moving to our “forever home” in about 4 years. I'm hoping we will be down south in the land of eternal good weather. Most of what we have in our colonial home in Maryland is not going to make the move with us. It's just too northern. Too colonial. I'm longing for tropical colors and open spaces.

”Ah-HA!” you say, “Perfect. Buy a new set now and buy something you will want to move with you.”

But, I have discovered that I have just enough Grandpa P in me to realize that in our world, that's just plain silly. Without knowing exactly where we are going and what we are going to need, I'm kidding myself by thinking that what I buy now will be what I want when we start "the best years of our lives"

The bottom line is we are not going to buy new furniture again until we are in our forever home. It's just that simple.

However, I don't really want to look out of date. I regularly buy slip covers, wrangle them onto the furniture, decide they look way to tacky, return them and end up living with my old furniture after all. Ugh. So, I have four years of the “same old same.”

Which brings me to my point. (Gottcha! And you thought I didn't have a point!)

Consider:

Variety and change keeps life updated. It has just occurred to me that one of the things that I love about food is that it is a very quick and fulfilling way to make changes. After all, no one has ever made a four year plan for a loaf of bread. Actually, you could make a daily plan for changing your bread and even the most left brain thinker in the world, Grandpa P, would applaud you. What a wonderful way to forget about things in life that are not changing any time soon. I also believe the majority of our lives are made up of those slow changing things. Really, think about it.

So we cook and we buy food from the store and we go to restaurants and we try every one of the items on the McD's dollar menu. And, well, maybe there is a connection there? I don’t know.

Maybe not. All I really know is that I have to learn how to take advantage of the fabulous changeable quality of food because, seriously, it doesn't take long for eggbeaters and toast to start looking like old furniture to me.

The trick is to make sure the changes are healthy ones. For me, that is going to be a big challenge.

What do you think?

In a world in which we have so little power to change things, do you use food because it is a deeply satisfying (not to mention legal) way to bring changes into your life?

Too many loose ends

2007-08-31T04:39:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and there are too many loose ends today, for my taste. Everywhere I look I see things that need to be returned , put away, cleaned up, clarified......you name it.

My rose colored glasses are more like pink today. In fact, I'm a little bit grouchy. Maybe not grouchy maybe just tired. It could go either way. I find that is one thing strange about being by myself most of the day. With no immediate feedback from other people it can be hard to know exactly how I feel. Does that make any sense?

Okay. Info time.

Blood sugar:
125

This is probably the source of my discontent. The fluctuation of glucose value is a mystery to me. I'm not really too worried about the 125 but I don't understand how it can be 109 one day and 125 the very next day. I mean I'm not stupid, I know it has to do with exercise and things but my lifestyle habits have become standardized to the point of being dull even at the ripe old age of 52.

Scale:

I've dropped another pound. Good news ! So far ( from my high point 4-5 months ago ) I've lost 30 lbs. I still have another 30 to go. Ugh. Depressing. Maybe this is another source of my discontent. (I'm such a spoiled brat. I should be doing the Funky Chicken and singing "Joy to the world" right? )

Yesterday's Post OP check-up for gallbladder surgery:

I'm doing very well. However, I am not allowed to go back to the aqua aerobics for another week. A major bummer for me. I just know that my glucose would be lower if I could exercise.

Hummmmmm. How startling. I find I'm more concerned about the blood sugar than the weight loss. Who Knew?

Well, there you have it. I've decided. I'm grouchy because I'm tired. As almost three year old Wallace would say, "Sounds good, yea?"

So, what makes your glasses turn pink instead of rosy rose colored?

Nana P is Learning to be Kind to Herself

2007-08-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

While I thrash around innefectively.

Seriously, reading NP's post below, wouldn't you rather be like her? She's eating well and excercising regularly. She's brave enough to take her blood sugars and get on the scale.

And she has somehow managed to make me realize that the part of me who encourages me to just go for it is not my enemy, just a well-meaning but misguided friend.

I now have something to think about today. So often my first response is "how can I beat this situation into submission?" and NP's is "How can I make this work for me?"

That's one of the coolest things about her. Hmmmmmmm...

I just KNOW it.

2007-08-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

It's pretty early here in Nana land. Grampa Poopyhands just left for work and I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee. This is the time of morning when I have to do two things each day without fail.

1) Take a fasting blood sugar.
Done: 112

Hey, not too bad really.

2) Step on the scale.
Not done yet

I feel so good this morning I know that I'm gonna hop on that scale and it will say that I'm at my perfect goal weight.

How, do I know this? Well. I woke up easily. My blood sugar is good. I've been very faithful to my diet for a couple of months. I've lost weight steadily. And, I'm a little hungry.

CAUTION:

It's these successful mornings that get me in trouble. Because of the positive feelings I have and after two months of success, my young and healthy inner person is saying:

" see, you don't have a weight issue. You're too healthy and smart. Don't worry about it. Live and enjoy life. Stop making this a big deal in your life. "

And I really love my inner healthy person. She is fun. She is young. She is athletic and strong.

I really, really like her.

But here's the problem. She is very seductive. I always seem to get to this point in my weight loss and turn to her because she is everything I want to be. Not everything I really am.

I get lost in her carefree thinking. And I usually take her advice. I stop making this a big deal in my life. It's a fatal mistake for me. It's called magical thinking and I appear to be a master.

I stop food journaling. I stop avoiding certain foods. And, most importantly, I stop stepping on the scale. And after a week, she abandons me.

I end up feeling as if I just bought oceanfront property in Arizona . Humiliated.

So folks, after this morning cup of coffee I'm headed upstairs to hop on the scale. Not because I feel bad or desperate about having to loose weight, no, quite the opposite.

It's because I've just had coffee with my inner healthy self. I love her but I want to remember that she is unreliable. Well intended but unreliable.

I'm done with my coffee and now I'm headed up for a shower including stepping on the scale for a healthy dose of reality.

Why oh why??

2007-08-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what would happen if your brain was suddenly transported into someone else's physical body?? Oh please, of course you have.

What would the world look like? What would it feel like? I have sometimes fantasized about suddenly owning someone else's physical body and being absolutely overwhelmed by what that body endures on a continual basis.

After all I still have my brain and my learned experiences. Are any of my own coping mechanisms transferable to someone else's physical senses?

I wonder, since my brain is somewhat neurologically confused due to MS, when the donor body was properly hookup to my brain, what would happen to all of the donor nerve cells? Would my right foot buzz all day like it does in my body? Or, would I find out that what I thought was a buzzing foot is someone’s normal foot mode?

Still, as Krissy reminded me yesterday, since they haven't really perfected the teleportation skills promised in 1967, I might, in fact, just explode losing both my cherished, if not perfect, brain and someone else's innocent body at the same time.

And, why oh why, am I even thinking about this while trying to loss weight??

Okay, here's why.

Most of us have pictures of ourselves that when they were taken made us just cringed. Too fat. Too pale, Too plain, Too drunk, Wrong hair, Bad clothes and the list goes on and on. You know what I mean.

We have also all had the experience of looking at those same pictures years later and wondering "what the hell was I thinkin??" I looked good !!! ( except for the clothes issue. There will never be enough time to correct the fashion disaster of my youth, the 60's)

Well, it occurred to me this morning that maybe looking at those pictures after so many years is a little like seeing yourself as others see you. You know, the brain, body thing....

And, if you do look good so many years later to the person you've become, there is an excellent chance that you truly looked that good to everyone else back then too. Get it???

If you want to be a pooh about it, you could just say the short version of all this thinking is " You are your own worst critic". You would be right, of course. I have just taken the long and prettier way around.

Now here's my point and application.

The next time I hear someone say that I look good and I think that they are blowin' beans in the air, I'm going to try to stop for a minute and consider that they may just be right.

Of course, I won't know if it's true for a couple of years but by that time that moment to enjoy looking good will have long passed. Sad.

I have decided, I can no longer afford to miss any opportunities to feel good about myself, even if I think I know better

Tired of Being Ugly

2007-08-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

It's an ugly title, but it's the way I feel. When my husband tells me I'm beautiful, I feel beautiful. Every other moment in the day I feel average.

When the room filled with adorable dresses only goes up to 12, and the saleswoman recoils and fairly orders me up to the fat chick section where there are four dresses in my size, all in black or near-black, and I try on dresses and look like this, well... Ugly.

I've gained back all the weight I lost while excercising over the past month, without even trying. I'm sick again, and not just transition sick, but thanks to the antibiotics my IC is back, so who knows when I'll be able to get moving properly again.

Shit, look at me. I wouldn't fucking date me. I wouldn't blame anyone else for not dating me either. I'm 31. I'm not 45, I'm 31. I look 45.

Most of the time I can ignore it, but with the wedding coming up it's clear to me that I'm going to be the fat flower in the bunch. I hate it. I hate it. I hate me.

God I could sleep forever.

Summer of love.

2007-08-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

So, I joined a local health club and started taking the aqua aerobics.

The thing is, I have always hated to get into cold water of any kind. I simply can't do it.
Years ago during our annual family vacation at the ocean I would lay out soaking up the sun and salt. I would make sure all the kids had SPF 200 on and that I had enough snacks to sustain a hungry family.

I would lay on the blanket and sunbathe with my girls and remember feeling happy and restful. I would sit under the shade of the umbrella with my husband drinking icy cold sodas with a thin layer of sand clinging to the outside thinking " could I ever want anything more than this?" I loved our beach life. I looked forward to each vacation at the shore. All things seemed possible during those times.

Well, except for one thing.

I rarely ever got into the water. I loved the water. I loved watching the girls boogie boarding and hopping waves. I would watch my husband get into the water and play with the girls, he often had one hanging off his neck and the other two bouncing around in the waves with him. But, I seldom ever joined in.

It wasn't vanity, my hair was wild on that week anyway. It wasn't fear of the water or what was in the water. It wasn't the jelly fish or that I was embarrassed by how I looked ( I looked great ). It was getting into cold water. I just simply couldn't do it.

It has been many years since those perfect summer vacations. My beautiful girls are grown and moved on. Those family vacations remind me that there was life before Multiple Sclerosis and diabetes. It was a life I loved. It was a life I miss.

Fast forward 10-15 years, enter MS and diabetes.

One of the most important therapies for MS is exercise. But, so many of us have balance and stamina problems, exercise often seems impossible.

Like wise, part of staying healthy with Diabetes is exercise. It helps with weight loss and it helps the body process carbohydrates ridding the blood of organ damaging glucose.

Clearly I had to find a way to exercise. It was a the only tool I still had some control over and I needed to use it. Enter aqua aerobics. It was perfect. If my MS made me fall while jogging in the water, so what? If my right leg sort of drifted away instead of coming up to touch my hand, so what?

It was perfect.

Aqua aerobics is more efficient move for move than land aerobics. A double hit. I had found my perfect workout. Except for one thing.

I would have to get into the water.

Think YMCA pools, think outdoor pools after a pouring rain, think the ocean. Think " how in the world am I going to do this???" But I was determined that I had to, there was simply no other reasonable option for me. I just knew it wasn't going to be pleasant.

" Ha!" my inner Nazi said " really? and you think MS and Diabetes are pleasant? Huh??"

Aqua Aerobics is was.

So, there I was, standing at the edge of the pool. I wasn't thinking about the fact that my bathing suit showed just how weight I had gained or that my modesty was going to be sorely tested in the locker room. ( when did they start making these short little bath towels? I remember when they used to wrap around me a couple of times at least. ) All I was thinking about was stepping into the cold water of a pool.

Then I took that first step into the pool.

I knew I had finally found my exercise. While the warm soothing water started hugging my body, my brain was flooded with the memories of those perfect summer days with my family at the beach.

But this time I was in the water.

The euphoria was kinda short lived because the instructor Nazi soon started the music and barking at us to tune of " you gotto move it, move it, move it" Still, I was hooked.

Now, every time I go to workout I get a few seconds of pure pleasure memories flooding my brain.

What better motivation could I ever need??

Dear Doctor, " your pants are on fire!!!! "

2007-08-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty happy that my beloved daughter has invited me to join this little band of brave souls. I've had many health issues lately and now I have to get very serious about losing the weight. I am journeling at CalorieKing.com and thought it would be fun to hang here as well. So, here is goes, oh hold me, I'm scared.

So, I've just finished setting this blog up. I have to shower and take a nap now. It was that stressful for me. Yikes. I still feel bashful about logging in weights and such. I'll get used to it I'm sure.

Well. I had my dietician appointment today. It went well. I lost 5 lbs from two weeks ago but I think that is more a function of my incredible nausea and comatose like state after my gallbladder surgery.

Why this surgery was so difficult I'll never know. I had been just casually telling people that I was going in for a real quick laparoscopic procedure and I'd be up and around in a couple of days. No PROB.......

I think I was lied to. Yep I really do. What was suppose to be a short out patient procedure ended up an admission (not that I was in any way able to request it or not) and three days of twilight living.

I do remember thinking that I didn't even know that I had anything in my bladder as I was watching the lime jello on the way back up.

So the fact that I even was at the dietician’s office and that I looked good and that I was able to eat at all for the past two days is quite an achievement. I'm tuff, usually.

Crazy week. crazy.

I have approximatley 35 lbs to go to get to me first sigh of relief.

Nana Poopyhands Is Coming!

2007-08-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

That's right! You heard me!

Nana Poopyhands is on her way to being my co-poster at the old WJ!

This is a good thing, because I can't seem to force myself to post here nearly half as much as I should.

Stay tuned for more info.

Reconnnnnnnacense Mission

2007-08-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

I went to Nordstroms just now for a recci and they had five dresses my size.

One I didn't expect to look good, and it didn't.
One I expected to be okay, and it was, but the pattern was too busy and just meh.
One I expected to look good and it didn't (unfortunately the same cut as the diamond dress in the previous email).
One I expected would look crap and it did.
And one I didn't like on the hanger and didn't expect to look good and it really looked lovely.

NOooooooo! It's got that 70's look to it and it's a real, adult lady dress. It's not got flowers or anything and it's so 70's. And it looks good. It's different than any else I was looking at and now I'm torn.

There's no hope for it. I'm going to have to go shopping with MoVo I think.

SEVENTIES, I ask you.

A Dress Conundrum

2007-08-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

As I posted below, we're going to a wedding in England in about a month's time. I was interested in finding a dress, but insted I've decided that I have a dress I want to wear. With a little refining it will be perfect, unfortunately I tried it on last night and the zip went to my back and stopped because it encountered The Huge Jugs of Death. I've been losing weight all over my whole body but my tits continue to be the kind that could take over Manhattan. I hate to think what might have been if I hadn't gotten them reduced those years ago.

Anyhow, I've decided to wear the purple dress I wore to my friend Lisa's wedding. It's a bridesmaids dress, yes, but it's also very chic and cute. The wedding is a lunchtime wedding that will transition into a nighttime party, so I need something that will work for both.

I submit pictures of the dress for your review here (Please do not review the hair. I hate the hair. It was a horrible idea. Made me look like I was going grey. I will not be recreating the hair) (Click on the images below to enlarge).

The dress pre-drunk and with me sober and tidy -

The dress in movement -

Good photo of the shoes -

Not spilling out -

Passing out wedding cake slightly tipsy -

Dress in funky motion while I'm rilly rilly drunk (note strategic baby monitor placement) -

What do you think?

You know, I remember getting these pictures and thinking to myself that I felt a lot skinnier and attractive than these pictures make me look. In fact, at the time, I was getting an awful lot of positive male attention. In person the dress is tres flattering, and really the pictures aren't all that bad.

What I want to do for the England wedding is to fit the dress with some crinoline. I love this look (MoVo's dress at the same wedding):

Only I'd have the crinoline be off-white. The shoes would be the same ones I wore for this wedding. I'd also want to get an Ivory or off-white stole or shrug, and wear proper stockings, garters and all.

Dark hair, darker lipstick... it could be good.

SHRUGS:
These are what I had in mind for the wrap. Please note that these are FAUX fur. FAUX. As in FAKE. Not real.

I like this one with the ribbon best.

But this stole has the same look for half the price.

Several of these are perfect, but when you page down you discover that they run approximately 315 GBP apiece. So, you know, roughly eleventymilliontrillion American dollars.

Then there is this one on ebay selling for $28 including shipping. I think that's more my speed.

At least I'm current. Googling Faux Fur Stoles Wraps and Shrugs makes many, many UK sites pop up. Not too shabby for a UK wedding!

Do you have an opinion with this one vs. the earlier ones I found?

A reminder of earlier choices:

Lily Floral Dress with Sash

Strapless Mesh Dress

Diamond Party Dress

Flabulouss is Having a Rough Time

2007-08-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

After discovering that her husband was cheating on her three weeks after giving birth to their youngest child, and finding out that he brought the mistress to the hospital and that the mistress was one of the first to see the new baby, Flabulouss served divorce papers and left Australia for New Zealand.

As, I think, you do in those circumstances.

Recently they've finished dividing the monitary assets and they are headed toward the custody portion of the divorce. The Cheating Ex's lawyer sent a petition to force Flabulouss to move back to Australia or he'll take legal action. She is trying to be zen but, understandibly, having difficulty.

Here is Flabulouss' first vlog about it after she brought herself back to the computer: A Message From My Cave

In her vlog she talks about a friend who keeps bringing her wonderful food to try and cheer her up. I myself am guilty of this. I know that if my husband is trying to improve his eating habits and he has a rough day I will buy him cookies or candy. I try and feed my friends constantly. It's a habit born of culture where my grandfather was a chef and everyone is Sicilian and one of the ways you show love is to "eat! eat! You're so SKINNY!"

Of course, one could argue that for someone who has had lap band surgery the bringing of baked goods to their house may not be really a loving thing to do, but I understand where her friend is coming from.

Recently I had a rough time with school and home and I went off my meds. The crazier I got the more I felt the call to supliment my increasing distress with food. I retreated into a food coma.

The problem is that when you're addicted to something you can't just get rid of it, you have to replace it with something else. This is why so many people gain weight after they stop smoking. They can't just not smoke, they have to find something to do that makes them feel good during those times they'd have a cigarette.

It's been reported that many individuals who have had bariatric or lap band surgery develop gambling addictions or cleptomaniac tendancies. Something has to fill the void left by the lack of food.

I'm totally afraid of that void.

I hope Flabulouss feels better soon. I hope we all do.

The Queen O'Java Loves Herself Just As She Is and I Love Her Too

2007-08-14T07:48:00.001-07:00

JavaJeanelaine has taken up the banner of the Just As She Is challenge! She's very wonderful and brave. The things she loves about herself are short, yet mighty. She writes:

Five Things I Kinda Like About Me:

1. My naturally curly hair. I wish it was thicker but I love that it is curly.
2. My tan. Yes, I said it. I LOVE MY TAN AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU ARE SILENTLY DISSING ME, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A PASTYFACE. NYAH NYAH.
3. My ability to get things done.
4. I write killer grant proposals.
5. I can sell ice to Eskimos.

I can attest to her mad grant writing skillz and would like to report that she received very nearly all of a sizable grant request with just a token amount left out so that the grant people didn't feel like they rolled over just as much as they did. She rocks.

And I believe her about the curly hair.

Thank you for joining in, JJE!

Not Brave

2007-08-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

Dawn, who is on top of things, has updated below with her progress and her goals for the week.

Dawn said...
Ok, since you haven't posted, I will!

My goals so far have been:

1. Pretty consistent except for this week because it's f*ing hot and it's thunderstormed like everyday. BUT, exercise has increased.

2. I'm actually doing this. Don't know if it's helping, but I'm eating breakfast.

3. Nope, no soda. Organic teas if I need something sweet. No more Chemicals for me.

Last weigh-in: 159.4
Today's weight: 157.6
Weight change: -1.8 lbs

Not terrible. Not great. But better than gaining, right?

You go, Dawn! It's awesome. I think you're doing a great job.

I have to tell you that shortly after I set the goals below I had a disaster with school. The disaster is worked out but at the same time I went off my medications. After a short time of crazy-assness, I'm back to good.

There have been good days and bad days. Some days I've kept to my goals and some days I've surpassed them and some days have been doughnuts-and-movie days. All in all I've lost about a pound (boo), but gained, as I do, a lot of muscle (yay). My clothes fit differently and my husband has noticed a reduction in the jiggle factor.

The difference for me has been that we managed to score a free treadmill from a friend who couldn't use it anymore. After Wallace goes to sleep I do about an hour of fast walking/slow jogging on it, with fifteen minutes of slow warm up and fifteen minutes of slow cool down. I do 90 situps and lift some arm weights. All-in-all it takes me about an hour and a half to get through everything.

That's a lot of time at the end of the night and I do wind up burning the candle at both ends. But what are you supposed to do if your kid has to take priority and your job has to take priority and taking care of the animals has to take priority? I know that magazines are always on about being good to yourself, but they don't account for lives that are so full that being good to yourself has the consequence that you have to be less good to others that you love.

I haven't found the solution yet, but I'm trying to at least sweat some every night. Once I start sweating I figure my heart rate is up and I'm doing some good.

Right now I'm descouraged, but trying to hang in there.

Current weight: 206
Goal weight: 175
Weight loss: -1

Goals for this week:

1. Still more water. I've been slack about this one.
2. Treadmill in some capacity five out of seven nights this week (Monday to Monday)
3. Healthier breakfasts. This morning I had a handful of almonds and an apple and I'm actually feeling okay. One of the tricks I play on myself is that my morning meds require food, so if I get to work and there's nothing available then the only option is Dunkin Donuts. Stupid, tricksy self.

I don't feel great about me at the moment, but I feel better than I did a month ago. I'm sorry that I'm such a wimp. I'll try and update here even when it's not going well.

Thanks for your comments. They make a world of difference. The worst thing a person can be in this struggle is isolted, I think.

Dawn Loves Herself Just As She Is, But She Hates Me

2007-08-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

Dawn at Sticky Note to Self has finished her "Just as I am" challenge post. Dawn would also like you to know that she hates tag and that I suck for tagging her. I would like you to know, HA HA DAWN! Which I think captures the spirit of this project very well.

Dawn writes:

So here goes:

1. I like that I have crazy monkey toes- not that they look like monkey toes (they don't), but the fact that I can pick stuff up with them off the floor. Evan can do it, too- ha! For example, if Evan takes his socks off, and I have an armful of other crap to put away, I can grab the socks with my toes, bring them up to my hands, and never miss a beat. Comes in handy when you have a full cup of coffee and you drop something, too. You never have to bend over. Of course, it only works when I am barefoot.

2. I like that if I put my mind to something, it happens. Everything I ever REALLY wanted, I have right now. Not many people can say that. I like to think that my uncanny ability to follow my heart got me right where I want to be in life.

3. I like that my eyes squint when I smile. My grandma's always did, and my dad's, and now my brother's and mine do, too. Evan's eyes get squinty, too. Yes, I'll get crow's feet, but that is so much better than frown lines that some people get, right?

4. I like that I'm not afraid to cry. Some people stop showing negative emotions around their kids, but I think it's a part of life. My mother never cried around us- I can only remember it once in my entire life! But Evan has seem me cry over real issues, like him punching me in the windpipe or my grandma dying, and he feels sad and sorry, and tells me "it's otay mommy. It's ahwight!" I'm not a cry baby, but I do think it's important that you cry when it's necessary. It's healthy, and I want Evan to learn that from me, instead of how I had to learn it.

5. I like that I am strong, both physically and mentally. I can take care of myself, can get shit done when it really counts, can get by without help if I have to, and can mow the lawn and weedwack and trim the hedges without waiting for my husband to do it. I also like that I'm learning to balance asking for help without feeling needy. But I really like that I can get shit done.

I'm totally jealous of Dawn's ability to decide to make things happen and they do. Not so much jealous of the monkey toes. Maybe because I just put the cup of coffee down. Now, when she can create some sushi dinners with those things, THEN I'll be jealous.

Thanks for filling out my crappy tag, Dawn!

xoxo

PINK!

2007-08-01T14:59:00.001-07:00

Yay! Pink!

Maybe also this one I could have

2007-08-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ooooooooooooooooooo.

AND THIS ONE ALSO

2007-08-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

SO pretty.

THIS ONE

2007-08-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

I MUST HAVE IT NOW.

I Take it Back!

2007-08-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

YES DRESSES FOR FATTIES!
Cute dresses for Fatties!

Check this out: The Beatrice Dress

So Purpley!

Why, I would love to attend your wedding with my GIANT FABULOUS BRESTESES.

This may look cute, but it is more FABULOUS BREST OPPORTUNITY!

Yes, Ceasar, I will be your slave girl.

What do you mean, this is innapropriate for a wedding?

Hi there! I'm the wedding HORE. Tacky, but sexy.

I Get It, I Get It.

2007-08-01T13:11:00.001-07:00

I just went out on a reci mission to find out what the fall dress scene is like in prep for an upcoming September wedding. What I've come away with is:

"NO DRESSES FOR FATTIES"

Got it.

To Old Navy: What the fucking fuck??? Seriously?? What the hell is all that??

On the other hand, if plus size girls are looking for jeans the new sizing and cut at Lane Bryant is worth the price of admission. I look fab in them and they fit better than any jeans I've owned in a long time. Check them out.

Forever Fat

2007-07-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

I spent some time last night thinking about Flabulous' challenge. I think it's sad that it's so difficult for people to find good things about themselves, and that includes fat people.

I was wondering why I, myself, consider my perfect weight to be the one I was at for all of four months of my life. I was at 155 for a whole four months and I got there:
1) At 25
2) By dancing six hours four nights a week and doing Tae Bo every day
3) By having my tonsils out and essentially not eating

These things are not ever going to be available to me again. I can excercise every day, but eight hours of aerobic fun just aren't available when you have a small person. The metabolism of a 25 year old is gone forever, and not eating is really not an option.

However, the good I felt for those four months has never left me, and it worries me that even if I get to 175, that I will always strive for those 20lbs that are likely to never come off. When you're fat, does that mean that you're fat forever?

It's such a defining thing, and others contribute to this as much as we do. It's immediate and quantifyable. People make many snap judgements about someone who is fat, primarily bestowing upon them a lack of self-control, and a lack of self-esteem. There is a reason that fat people are seen in our society, and frankly in most socities, as not just available victims for cruel humor, but actually voluntary victims of cruel humor.

The people that we see on weight loss shows or shilling for programs like WW or Jenny Craig, those people who lose 250lbs; how long do they keep the weight off before they are allowed to feel like thin people?

As we've discussed here, there is an actual metabolic difference between those people who are never heavy and those who begin heavy and then lose. Is there a fundimental, biological response in people to that difference? Is there always a fat person lurking in that thin person's body?

The one thing I think of is the Ben Stiller character in Dodge Ball. Someone who was once fat, is now in shape, but is obsessive about distancing himself from other "losers", with food and with excercise. Kind of like the jerkoff I sent the email to below there is a sense that if a person is successful at weight loss they must villify those who are overweight in order to be sure they never get that way again.

If you are heavy, no matter what you weigh are you ever anything but a hiding fatty?

I think the answer for me might be "no". That makes me sad.

LizzieBean Loves Herself Just As She Is

2007-07-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

Lizzie at Fat Lady Singz has finished her "Just as I am" challenge post. She writes about finding it difficult to do and I'm in 100% agreement with her there. Not that it's hard to find five things about Lizzie that are fabulous, but that it's hard to look at yourself and find five things to truly, unreservedly love. I think if it had been ten things I wouldn't have been able to do it.

Lizzie writes:

So here it goes - 5 positive things about me:

1. I am funny. I think my humor would be considered “dry”. I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh. And I do.
2. I have great ankles. It’s one part of my body that I’ve always loved. Great ankles - flow nicely into my feet (which aren’t bad either).
3. I am ambitious, driven and an eternal optimist. I do love that about myself. If something needs to get done - I will get it done. I can keep my spirit up in the worst of times and I can pass that on to others in need.
4. I have great hair. It’s thick, bouncy and it’s always been a great color (it gets a little help now!)
5. I am artistically talented. I do love that about myself. I can and do create. I can take something empty and void and make it vibrate.

She's awesome. And awfully responsive for having done it so quickly! You go, Lizzie!

Why is it so hard to be as good to ourselves as we would to our friends?

More on that in a following post.

Where Things Stand

2007-07-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

I don't have pictures yet, because I'm cramming for my upcoming fucking math test, but this morning I did step on the scale just to know where we're starting from. Considering that I haven't been dieting at all, it isn't that bad.

Starting weight: 207

Happy weight: 175

30lbs is a lot on one hand, but on the other if Flabulous can lose 93, I can do a measly 30, right?

My goals for this next week are as follows:

1. Eat real meals. Three real meals. 1, 2, 3. And two snacks. Try and actually feel satisfied throughout the day rather than binging and starving.

2. 30 minutes of excercise a day. We just got a tredmill this past weekend. I'm going to start even just walking, but doing it fast and for 30 minutes.

3. Water as appropriate. I'm going to drink one glass of water for every glass of something else. Cup of coffee? 1 cup of water. Soda? 1 cup of water. Cup of water? 1 cup of water. I'm going to try and add water before I get rid of other stuff.

I think this is all doable and involves only small amount of sacrifice, which is good because I don't do so well with large amounts of sacrifice, you know? The moment I start feeling put-upon I get petulant and eat a doughnut. Petulant Poopyhands would be an excellent nickname.

What are your three goals for the week?

GODDAMNIT. I've been inspired.

2007-07-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Damn. Damn damn damn damn.

DAMN!

The amazing Flabulous is a blog that was recommended to me by LizzieBean at The Fat Lady Sings. What horrors has this fabulous New Zealander imposed upon me? She has inspired me.

BAD FELLOW BLOGGER.

At Flabulous he has imbeded episodes of what she calls FlabTV, where she rocks out, spills her guts, talks about cheating after lap band surgery, talks about sex, shows her body, and talks about how as fat people, sometimes we stink. I think she's very brave, not to mention totally cute.

Now I just feel all inspired to do things like put up photos of myself in a swimsuit and be accountable to all other weightloss bloggers out there. It scares me. I'm inspired and it scares me.

But what's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst? That I don't lose any weight? That I have to tell you about it? Hell, I've already had someone call "Suuuuuuiiieee" to me on the street, how much worse could it get?

So I'm starting again. Tonight when I get home I'll step on the scale. I have a wedding to go to in Mid-September, and I'm going to see how much weight I can lose before then by eating right and excercising. This time, rather than saying that I'm going to put pictures up, I'm really going to do it.

YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, FLABULOUS!

Also, I'm going to participate in the Just As I Am challenge that she has going on at her blog. The rules are these:

So I challenge other bloggers out there to take part in the same life changing exercise...Instead of concentrating on the negative points of why you want to loose weight and what you hate about yourself...how about writing 5 points about who you are and why you are ok just like that, they can be quirky, embarrassing, brutally honest, boring it doesn't matter...You are perfect, you are unique and you should accept yourself with all your quirks--'Just as you are'...Make sure you write it honestly and positively as I have done above. It will be a list that you might need to revisit every day for the next year to remind yourself, that you are ok, and your life is going to turn out ok...but more importantly it will be an affirmation to yourself and the first step in appreciating YOU just as you are.

Here's how it works...Take up the challenge yourself then choose 5 people to tag...list those chosen ones on your blog under your entry and then visit their blog and write them a comment letting them know they have been 'tagged' to take part in the challenge...keep track of who participates and record their links on your blog as they post their entries.Eventually we will be able to follow a trail from everyone's blog linking to other blogs and their tagged blogs etc...it could be huge... Tell your blogging mates...and lets start a craze and grow and learn to love ourselves through doing this.Plus, inspired by 2kbloggers, my dream is to set up a photo montage, of ALL who participate, with links back to their individual blog posts...Now I am getting goose bumps...IMAGINE a photo montage of 2,000 'Fatbloggers' accepting themselves...Just as they are! Ok, Ok so I am thinking Big!!!! I always do...but if you think this is a neat idea then get onboard and lets start making an impact sort of like the 'pay it forward' phenomenon. And if you would like to be on the montage...start sending me your photo's with links to your challenge post...so that I can set it up.

Here we go:

FIVE THINGS ABOUT ME THAT ARE AWESOME

1. I am smart. Not kind of smart or halfway smart, but really, truly smart.
2. I am pretty. My face has a nice look to it, an honest look to it. I lucked out in the face department. I like my face pretty much every time I see it.
3. I am passionate. I have honest and true responses to things. I let the outside world affect me and change and motivate me. I love deeply and with great loyalty. Given my childhood, this is a pretty amazing thing.
4. I have beautiful hands. They are long-fingered and tapered and perfect. Even when I'm overweight they are pretty. I love my hands.
5. I look good in all hats. I look really amazingly cute in hats. Totally cute. I should wear them, because I look totally and utterly cute in them. I am just the kind of person that can wear a hat.

These may not seem important, but it took some doing to make myself write them. It's hard to have a blog that highlights your imperfections and then to sit down and point out why you should like what you see, but you know, I really do.

It's your turn. Five things. Nothing tongue-in-cheek, and no apologizing or qualifying. Just five true things that are awesome about you.

I tag:

1. LizzieBean at FatLadySingz - COMPLETE!
2. Hsien Hsien at Cottontimer
3. Dawn at Sticky Note To Self - COMPLETE!
4. Tertia at So Close**
5. Baggage at Baggage and Bug**

6. JavaJeanelaine at Queen O'Java - COMPLETE!

**Neither of these women post about weight loss, but both have had kind of a down time lately and I think they should post five good things anyway.

Ready? Set? GO!

And stay tune for pictures of my fat ass. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

I Disagree With You, Turdface.

2007-07-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

The email I just sent:

Dear Rob,

I was sent your article by a friend published in the 07/2007 edition of Buzz News, page 37, who was hurt deeply by what you wrote. When I went back and read your article I found myself appreciative of your intent, but annoyed by your assumptions. I would like to see the scientific support for your assertions. A recent study reported by the New York Times refutes your theory directly.

It seems that, in fact, fat people are eating merely until they "feel full", just as thin people do. Unfortunately their systems report that they are full much later than those of naturally thin folks. Also, that those who are naturally thin will remain so, and those who's genetics encourage a higher weight will fight the forces of starvation to remain slim.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/08/health/08fat.html?_r=1&ref=health&oref=slogin

"So Dr. Hirsch and his colleagues, including Dr. Rudolph L. Leibel, who is now at Columbia University, repeated the experiment and repeated it again. Every time the result was the same. The weight, so painstakingly lost, came right back. But since this was a research study, the investigators were also measuring metabolic changes, psychiatric conditions, body temperature and pulse. And that led them to a surprising conclusion: fat people who lost large amounts of weight might look like someone who was never fat, but they were very different. In fact, by every metabolic measurement, they seemed like people who were starving.

“Those who doubt the power of basic drives, however, might note that although one can hold one’s breath, this conscious act is soon overcome by the compulsion to breathe,” Dr. Friedman wrote. “The feeling of hunger is intense and, if not as potent as the drive to breathe, is probably no less powerful than the drive to drink when one is thirsty. This is the feeling the obese must resist after they have lost a significant amount of weight.”

Thus, the more weight you lose, the more your body insists it must eat. Rather than overcoming a "hurdle" of initial correct eating, a person who is genetically disposed to a higher weight must battle a constant insistence from the body that it's starving, and such a bodily demand increases over time, rather than diminishes.

While you are correct that diets do not work, and in fact are harmful:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/04/070404162428.htm

there is zero scientific evidence published to show that any but the smallest portion of those who either diet or make lifestyle changes, such as yourself, retain their weight loss over the long term.

I applaud your personal weight loss, however, I would like to suggest that perhaps you were merely blessed with good genetics and had to learn how to eat to fit your personal genetically-created appetite. For others it is a constant struggle with very little chance of success; no matter what form of diet or life philosophy the attempt may take.

I also would like to state that the t-shirt you've chosen to make your point may have been intended to be humorous, but it is, in fact, juvenile and pedestrian.

I do not expect to alter your personal perception of The Way Things Are. Like those who are devoted to one kind of diet or one belief about the cause of weight loss, your article implies slavish devotion to believing you've discovered the One True Way. I would like to go on record as someone who disagrees vehemently, who feels that you are lacking in anything other than anecdotal evidence to back up your claims, and who would feel deep embarrassment on your behalf if I saw you and your colleagues in public with those crass, juvenile t-shirts.

When balancing the problem of discrimination and degradation toward those who are overweight with the issue of the health problems of the obese becoming universally accepted, I must say that to my mind discrimination is far and away the more prevalent. I cannot fault those who are overweight for seeking equal treatment and acceptance in society. Many are overweight due to illness, genetics, or emotional trauma. I find nothing offensive in a group of individuals attempting to band together to support one another in a society that consistently tells them that they are sub-class citizens. I find your attitude toward those individuals alarmist, degrading, and reflective of a social attitude that states that if you are an overweight individual and are not constantly apologetic for such, and constantly locked in a struggle with the scale, you do not show enough repentance and are deserving of public ridicule.

Were you not on a personal crusade to shame fat people further into thinness (and there is also no historical evidence of this approach being effective to reduce the weight of the general populace) I would merely assume you were a misguided individual with the next great craze that will go nowhere and delete buzznews.com from my inbox. However, your intention to stake out and shame the fat folks is reprehensible and I felt a responsibility to write to you and let you know that, not only are your assumptions incorrect, but your actions are offensive.

From one human being deserving of respect to another, please reconsider your plans.

Sincerely,

Krissy Poopyhands

If you're interested in reading the article, it can be found here:

http://buzznews.net/pdfs/072007Springfield.pdf

On page 37.

Please feel free to email the author with your thoughts.

****************************

EDITED TO INCLUDE ROB'S REPLY:

"Thanks for the note. I don't need scientific evidence. I am living proof, as well as the hundreds of people who have lost weight on my program. Why would you go to the medical community and ask them if you are hungry, do they know? The medical community only make $$$ of fat people. If they new something we would be getting thinner and a nation not fatter. NAFBR is popular for the people taking responsibility and offensive to those who are taking the easy way out. Survey results 29% strongly agree with NAFBR and 2% strongly agree with NAAFA (fat acceptance).

Comment posted from my survey:
I am morbidly obese and I agree with your mission statement completely. People, myself included, need to be responsible for their own actions.
Anonymous

I'll keep pushing for people to become healthy and you keep looking for scientific data.

Best,
Rob"

MY RESPONSE TO ROB:

"I don't need scientific evidence."

Thanks for the reply! This is a perfect summation of your program. I will be getting the word out.

Sincerely,

Krissy Baker

*******************

Let us review: People don't like fat people. His program works because he says it does. He doesn't believe in scientific evidence. NIH is apparently making money off all fatties. His program approval is an anonymous comment from someone who is morbidly obese.

Great. Let me get right on that train! This is sure to work!

Jagoff.

More Rotten News

2007-05-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

You know that starving feeling? Yeah, that won't go away.

Linked in from The Perfect World:

Genes Take Charge, and Diets Fall by the Wayside

So Dr. Hirsch and his colleagues, including Dr. Rudolph L. Leibel, who is now at Columbia University, repeated the experiment and repeated it again. Every time the result was the same. The weight, so painstakingly lost, came right back. But since this was a research study, the investigators were also measuring metabolic changes, psychiatric conditions, body temperature and pulse. And that led them to a surprising conclusion: fat people who lost large amounts of weight might look like someone who was never fat, but they were very different. In fact, by every metabolic measurement, they seemed like people who were starving.

“Those who doubt the power of basic drives, however, might note that although one can hold one’s breath, this conscious act is soon overcome by the compulsion to breathe,” Dr. Friedman wrote. “The feeling of hunger is intense and, if not as potent as the drive to breathe, is probably no less powerful than the drive to drink when one is thirsty. This is the feeling the obese must resist after they have lost a significant amount of weight.”

Then, The Upside Occurs

2007-04-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

On the other hand, my dears, what this article proves is that there is now scientific and empircal evidence to show that we are NOT failures.

The people on diet adds? The ones who show off a trim and pretty figure after holding out their fat pants? Those people are freaks. Your average individual is not capable of joining WW or Jenny Craig and losing lots of weight and keeping it off long-term. It's the long-term keeping it off that's the thing. We can't do it.

I'm jealous of the freaks, but I'm no longer going to think that there's something wrong with me if I can't drop 50 pounds and keep it off. Science shows that there is NOTHING wrong with me. That eating a little better and trying to get in a little bit more excercise would probably help, and that trying to maintain is probably the best way to go.

I wish I was a 100lb losing freak, but I'm afraid I'm a non-losing normal.

You're normal! I'm normal!

Enough of the diets. Enough.

OH FUCKING HELL YOU FUCKING FUCKERS

2007-04-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

Originally linked here.

Dieting Does Not Work, Researchers Report:

"What happens to people on diets in the long run?" Mann
asked. "Would they have been better off to not go on a diet at all? We decided
to dig up and analyze every study that followed people on diets for two to five
years. We concluded most of them would have been better off not going on the
diet at all. Their weight would be pretty much the same, and their bodies would
not suffer the wear and tear from losing weight and gaining it all back."

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS.

That's it. THAT'S IT, science! Do you hear me? You have fucked with me for the last time!

I'm going off any diet other than trying to eat like a reasonable person and then when I'm done having kids I'm getting Lap Band bariatric surgery if I still feel fat and FUCK Y'ALL and your weight watchers and your slim fast shakes.

The Bell Has Rung

2007-01-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

The gate has swung open. The horses are OFF!

And I'm standing in the stalls eating cookies.

"So how's the twelve-step program?!"

Well, seeing as I have not moved a muscle yet we can safely say that I have completed steps <1.

It's all I'm capable of at the moment, peeps. It really is. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and understanding and at some point I will really get to burning up the internets with my accounts of OA and food and blah blah blah.

Right now I appear to be seriously battling some depression and some expectations that I cannot hope to live up to.

I'll take that first step as soon as I can get up the courage to get out the door.

I'm Krissy Poopyhands and I'm an Addict

2007-01-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'd like to extend a huge shout-out to Kate and Dawn who appear to not give up on this place even when I mostly have. You guys keep me thinking and typing and you rock. Thank you.

I have come to the conclusion over the last few days that I'm headed back to Overeaters Anonymous.

I don't want to go. I totally want to be what everyone thinks I am, someone who just like millions of others has trouble sticking with a diet. I want so badly to be someone merely overworked or someone who just needs a little guidance and help to improve my eating and excercise.

Instead I am me. I'm someone who uses food to control many aspects of life. I'm someone for whom food and the lack or excess thereof is tied in with deep, deep anger and self-loathing.

I have tried a thousand ways to Sunday to figure out how to get on top of this, but I have come to a very low place where I have to admit that I'm powerless over it. I'm lost. I'm as a drunk is to booze. I'm as an addict is to meth. I'm not merely lacking in a little bit of willpower, but lacking in any sort of ability to moderate or change. I'm careening off a cliff and despite seeing it coming and wanting to model decent food choices for my kid and, you know, not die, I can't stop. It's bad enough that to some, gastric surgery seems my only remaining alternative. That feels like a failure so profound I can't even breathe when I think about it.

I'm lost and desperate and miserable and lost. I'm hitting a low. A big low with all kinds of scary implications. I need help.

I wanted so much to be like everyone who has a weight struggle. I don't know what I'm struggling with, Peeps, but it's not weight. Something is in me that is a big black hole. It's demanding food and I'm totally without the ability or even the desire to say no.

I hate myself. I hate myself in a way so profound that I rarely allow myself to think about it.

This is a new chapter. There is no Weight Watchers or Biggest Loser. There are twelve steps and I'll be starting at number one.

Sometimes life fucking sucks.

So, How is it Going?

2007-01-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

How IS it going?

HOW is it going?

How is IT going?

How is it GOING?

It, is going right out the window.

Fatter than I ever was and now school is on Mondays so that's my WW at Work out the window. I'm descouraged and fat. FAT fat fat fat eww fat.

I am going for riding lessons this Sunday for the first time since I was 9 years old. You know, in an effort to remember what it feels like to move my body doing something I enjoy.

Food is just too obsessive for me. I'm either a mental contortionist about it, but eating right, or gorging and making myself happy. Until I look in the mirror.

Fuck food I hate food.

I'd imagine Heroin junkies say the same thing about the drug.

Thin?

2006-12-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

No.

I haven't had my weigh in yet today, Peeps, but this weekend it was All Christmas Cookies and Red Wine All the Time.

Dawn had some more kickass weight-loss. So GO HER! YAY Dawn! Yay!!

We have a Christmas party to go to tonight and I don't want to go because I'm afraid everyone will say to The Troublemaker, "So, why'd you leave your wife and hook up with the fat chick?"

Fatty McFatfat

2006-12-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

Howdy!

I just got back from my WW meeting. I have gained weight, which I knew, which was not a surprise given the binge-cookie eating at work and at home. I stopped eating well and stopped tracking points, which for me is the kiss of death.

I expected it, I knew it was coming, I could tell just by looking at myself that it was going to be bad. The thing is, I'm still crushed. As thought my eating behavior and what the scale says aren't related things.

There is such a disconnect in my mind between what goes in my mouth and the way that I look.

I'm beginning to track again today, and I'm going to be eating within my point range. I hate myself today. Usually people have fallbacks, but after only five pounds?? I need to lose at least 40. Five pounds into it and I'm on the way back up.

What is WRONG with me?

Weigh in - 201.4
Gain - +1.8
Total loss - 4

Four measly pounds.

Weigh In

2006-12-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

Krissy Poopyhands Checking In.

Hi, Dawn, Kate and ELEE and other reading Peeps. I didn't updated for all this time because I was paranoid. I fell of the wagon with a resounding THUD. I did okay in England, but it was hard to turn down stuff like the airplane food. This past week I didn't even TRY to journal and just kind of kept to WW acceptable food. Kind of did more Core than points.

I was not just worried I hadn't lost, I was pretty sure I'd gained. My goal for the England trip was to gain only 2lbs and then my goal for the week after was to lose the 2lbs. If I had weighed in today at the same weight as two weeks ago, that would have been okay, but I was nervous that I'd wind up singing the fatty song at myself.

Instead, I weighed in today at 199.6

So if I gained 2lbs, I then lost 3.6.

I'm 1.4 down from where I was at my last weigh in and, more important to me psychologically, I'm back into the 100s. It feels marvelous. I'm nervous, because I did eat a whole BOX OF COOKIES earlier this week, so I don't feel like my eating is under control. At the same time, I haven't done any damage that's making me feel hopeless or useless.

I'm going to try my best to get back on plan. PLEASE LET ME GET BACK ON PLAN.

205.4 to 199.6 - A loss of almost 6lbs. For reference sake, I lost this fish.

Bye, bye fishie! Here's hoping there's another one leaving soon!

How are you doing, peeps? And thank you all for keeping me updated. You guys posting here is keeping me from hiding my head and pretending that fat doesn't exist until I turn into balloon woman and cry and cry and cry. So you rock.

KP

Speaking Too Soon

2006-11-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

Dawn (who is doing VERY well, YAY DAWN!) said she envied me all the crap I got to eat on vacation. The thing is, Peeps, that it wasn't good. It's amazing how quickly your body gets used to decent meals and...

Well, you know how people who are seriously dehydrated are given only small amounts of water at first, even though they want to guzzle a ton? You know how people with frostbite are put in lukewarm water because the shock of hot water would kill them?

Well, it was kind of like that with the pizza.

God, I was sick. I puked. Blerg. The only two meals I really enjoyed were the chicken salad and the small jacket potato. The rest of them were too large and too heavy and left me feeling logey and pukey.

Last night I made a huge chicken salad for The Troublemaker and I and it went down happily and stayed down happily.

I was going to come here and post all of this with a sense of self-ritious fooferah. After all, although I cheated, I didn't actually enjoy it. YAY for my ethics, right?

Except that I'm so hungry today, Peeps, that for safety's sake you should keep well back of me. I'm going to eat off my own hand I'm so hungry. And I don't want more salad I want more CRAP.

The days when you finish your lunch by 11 am are days that are going to be LOOONNNNG.

Dawn also asked below if the WW treats are any good. I like them, Dawn, and another alternative is to get the packs of 100 Calorie treats at Jewel. They are two points apiece and the cookie ones are surprisingly cookie-tasting. They are crunchy and sweet and you can control how many points you get. Because they are pre-packaged they are self-limiting. You open a package and wolf it down and then get to take a break and really think about whether or not you want to open another one.

There was a chocolate fountain here today and I didn't have any. In fact, although I've been pigging, it's all WW safe and I'm still within my points.

That does not mean I don't feel like I'm going to die. Because I do. I'm going to eat my own head and die.

Holiday Results

2006-11-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

Hi there!

So in the comments below we found that Kate got through Turkey day having only put on a pound (after losing 15 initially) and that Dawn has lost 1.6 pounds in spite of the Holiday.

I wish I had news that good, but the airline food and hotel food and nights out conspired against me. The Troublemaker swears that I haven't undone all the good I initially did and that it's not as bad as I think it is. I'm hoping I kept it to my 2 pound maximum goal, but we'll see. I should have weighed in yesterday but I was still on vacation.

It helped (and this sounds so stupid but it did) that I was feeling pretty ill while I was in London. I ate almost nothing on Saturday because I didn't think I could keep it down. I also nixed the drinking after night two. Man, I felt awful. Too much food two quickly. My body isn't used to that anymore!

It's amazing how fast your body gets used to a reasonable amount of food.

The weigh-in next week will tell all. I'm back on the wagon as of today. Congratulations to Kate and Dawn for having fun and still meeting their own expectations! Very, very cool.

PMS is my Nemesis

2006-11-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

Oh, this week is one day old, Peep, and it's already tough as hell. I'm in the mood for eleventymillion doughnuts chased down by a large pizza and a Slurpee.

I had oatmeal for breakfast and then a banana, but I also got a sandwich when I stopped at 7-11 on my way to school. The sandwich was a turkey and swiss on pita bread with no mayo or anything and I figured that while the cals were high, the nutrition content was also much greater than, say, an APPLE FRITTER.

I'm now an hour out of finishing the sandwich and I still feel full, which is a good sign. Maybe cheating on the heavily nutritous stuff will help keep me on plan better than cheating on the empty calories.

Whatever. My goal for this coming T-Giving week is to only gain 2 pounds. It may seem crazy, but we're travelling to London and staying in a hotel and going out with friends and family for every meal. I think that a gain of 2 pounds or less could be considered a success. I'm going to try not to angst over every curry or guilt myself out of having fun.

At the same time I don't want to undo the good I've done already.

What do you think about this holiday? Are you going to try and keep losing, or is a small weight-gain worth it? What is your goal?

WW Weigh In

2006-11-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me WOO HOO intrepid reader, Dawn, who has joined WW Online and will be struggling along with the rest of us. Way to fight the good fight, darlin!

As for me, I wasn't as good this weekend as I might have been. MoVo came over on Friday night and we got hammered, then I had pizza on Saturday because I was hung over. Then there was a T-Giving party last night.

I didn't do as poorly in these cases as I would have before WW, but I also didn't do great. Still:

Weight as of today: 201.0

Weight loss since last weigh-in: 2.6

Total pounds given away since start: 4.4

I'm feeling, if not exactly elated, a little pleased and smug today.

How are you doing this week, fellow weight-loss Peep?

Not Too Shabby - With A Mama's Help

2006-11-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

So I missed the weigh-in this week, but I have to tell you that I'm feeling really good about everything.

I did go and visit mom this weekend, but because she's an old hand at WW she had WW-friendly snacks and meals ready to go. I went over my daily allowance a few times, but I don't think I used up all of my flex points for the week.

I'm getting used to consuming less. I still get hungry, but I also get full more quickly so I don't feel like I'm throwing food into a black hole. I actually get FULL.

I've also been off the sugar for two weeks and the change in my mood is remarkable. I'm just... stable. I get mad or sad or happy, but I don't get them all at once and they don't fluctuate wildly. I feel normal. Normal? Me?

The thing that prompted this desperate throwing-myself-at-Weight Watchers was a sudden and unattractive hanging gut. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen and it pulled at my body like a shirt that's too tight.

Well, it's gone. Whatever I've lost, my waist is back and my face is MUCH thinner. I feel better about myself.

Keep it up, me! It's working!

Love,

Me

Fickle, Fickle Digestive System

2006-11-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

I'm sure there will be a backlash at some point, but yesterday I ate everything I wanted to and wound up three points under my daily points requirement. Today I had a banana for breakfast and am only now considering adding my usual oatmeal.

I no longer feel starved.

It's so weird. When I ate everything in sight I felt starvation constantly. Now I'm restricting what I eat to a reasonable amount and suddenly I'm not hungry anymore.

Guts are so fucking weird.

A P.S.

2006-11-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, and the reason that I didn't gain wait this past week was those WW candies that I was counting as one point per candy? They are one point per PACK.

So the day I was starving it was because I was actually 7 points under my daily points. 7 points is a meal. I was missing a meal.

DURH.

Wearing My Big Girl Pants

2006-11-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Weight Watcher's Weigh-in today, peeps.

203.6

I've given away 1.8 pounds.

Wallace has a potty book and the final few pages say:

"YAY! I did it! And now I know I can!
I went in the potty and I will do it again!
No more diapers now, I'm as happy as can be,
I get to wear big-kid pants.
I'M SO PROUD OF ME!"

Last week I was in a very bad way, Peeps. It took me a few days to get my act together, and I wasn't true to my points allowance, but I had yet another breakthrough. It's the same breakthrough I've had before, but it's still true.

Without the sugar I'm on such an even keel. Two nights ago I was out and wanted to get Wallace a hair cut. We went to Burger King. I was defiant and full of toddler rage about food. I wanted that Burger King! So I got it.

And when I ate it, I found that while, yeah, it was nice, I actually cared about being healthy more. It immediately ceased being about what Weight Watchers would "let" me have, and started being a more mature, "What do I actually want?" type of thing.

Today I lost 1.8lbs, even with my oopses. This past week I did it, and now I know I can. I stuck with my points some days and I will do it again. No more fatty now, I'm as happy as can be. I can wear my Big Kid pants. I'M SO PROUD OF ME!

Hating What Is Good For Me

2006-11-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

I started Weight Watchers last Monday, with my actual following-of-the-diet to begin on Tuesday. Except Tuesday was Jury Duty and Halloween, so that did not exactly go to plan.

Then Wendesday I did okay in the morning, but wound up feeling deprived and put-upon and gorged in the evening. Bye-bye, Wednesday!

Yesterday I was determined to follow my points allwance. Absolutely determined. And I did it. And I can tell you honestly that I don't know when I've ever been that hungry in my whole fucking life.

I had:

1 cup Cheerios - 2pts
1 cup No sugar soymilk - 2pts
1 large apple - 2pts
1 banana - 2 pts
1 sm tub bluberry lowfat yogurt - 3pts
1 pack of "fruities", no sugar candy - 8 pts
2 and a half servings of crock pot dinner (2/3 cup one serving) - 5pts
1 skinny cow ice cream sandwich - 2pts

That all adds up to my point allowance of 26 points.

Now, maybe it's just me, but that looks like a horribly megre amount of food. Where's lunch in that? Was the tub of fuckign yogurt lunch? Because it took me two seconds to eat it and it did nothing about the hunger.

My stomach was actually RUMBLING last night.

But I did it. I stuck to it. It made me crazy like someone going off the herion, but I did it.

And today I'm actually feeling ritious and good. DAMMIT. One day off sugar and I'm no longer experiencing the mood swings. Seriously. How come I cannot stay off it? I'm obviously much happier, not to mention my poor family, when I'm off the sugar and more emotionally stable.

I don't know if I'm ever going to learn this, but I'm going to try.

Today I've had two packets of lowfat oatmeal and a banana, and I'm still feeling ritious.

Cross your fingers for me, peeps. This is fucking HARD.

The Right Thing To Do

2006-10-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

So, Peeps, I'm back at Weight Watchers. We just had our first meeting and oh, how different it is from the first WW meeting I was ever at.

They've gotten cleverer and cleverer and more streamlined. They've also really gotten good at defining and motivating weight loss. It seems stupid and cliche, but I really did leave the meeting feeling like I could do this. And not because I'm a total superhero, yeah man! but because one step at a time is all it takes.

Not unlike what Kate and Dawn have been saying here. Baby steps.

My weigh-in was 205.4. That was painful, but not NEARLY as painful as I thought it would be. If I can be at 205.4 and eat a plateful of cookies every night, think what will happen when I stop.

Hang in there with me. I don't want to look like this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The only person I'm hurting is me. I want to give myself permission to get out of fat jail.

Dear Krissy Poopyhands:

LET ME OUT OF FAT JAIL!

Love,

Krissy Poopyhands

A Visit to WW Past

2006-10-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

Kate was kind enough, in the comments below, to post:

So my point is, I think you'll enjoy it, I certainly hope so. Good luck!!!

She's right. I'm a return visitor to the Weight Watchers program. I generally lose 20lbs or so on WW (although I've never started it as heavy as I am now). Historically I last longer with WW than with anything else, and they helped form the basis of what I understand as healthy eating, particularly in terms of portions.

I get frustrated easily with the program because the recepies all tend to include items that I can't have too often. Lemon or onions, mostly. Without those ingredients, many of the recepies are inedibly disgusting.

Still, the idea is great and the weekly weigh-in is good motivation.

This time around I'm stressed. REALLY STRESSED. I'm eating like a maniac, and while I should stop it, I don't feel so inclined. In fact, I feel inclined to STUFF MY FUCKING FACE FUCK YOU WEIGHT WATCHERS. I was waiting for a zen moment to stop hating myself and stop eating cookie dough and sign up, but then I figured that if I wait for that zen moment it will never happen.

So I joined. I join with resentment and grumpiness and no expectation of success, but I join. Hopefully I'll start losing and my attitude will catch up.

Weight Fucking Watchers

2006-10-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

I just joined Weight Watchers. I'm feeling very, very surly about it. In my head I'm DARING someone to tell me I can't eat brownies.

I don't know that this is a good beginning.

Back after a long hiatus

2006-10-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

I'm back because I hate myself.

I'm back here because during this stressful part of my life I have been eating and eating and eating just to try and cover up how lost and alone and in-over-my-head I feel.

I can't stand pictures of me. I can't stand seeing my reflection in a window. And I can't stop eating.

I hate myself.

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-07-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

197.4

Weight gain: .4
% Body Weight gained: .2

You know, I never thought that 197.4 would look good, but given that my entire three-week vacation was spent indulging in cookies, candy, pizza and other various and sundry delicious treats, I was expecting to be up above 200 again. I'm not! I'm still fat, but I'm not over 200lbs.

I'll take it as a victory and feel good about myself today.

I also think that I'm going to find a dance class to take, hopefully two nights a week, and try and get into shape that way.

I was never so thin or happy as when I was swing dancing. I miss the swing scene so much sometimes. Although, of course I could never do what I did then and mother at the same time.

I like to move it, move it...

Oooooooo. Professional Slime!

2006-07-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

Someone has commented below:

Maybe if you didn't have your little fucker brat, you'd still have a somewhat cute figure. 200 pounds?! DAMN - you're HUGE! Don't bother responding - the address is spoofed. ;)

I love the dickless/entirely lacks testicles approach. See, John Josephs there wouldn't be brave enough to so much as waft his personal stench in the direction of a woman in real life, fat or not. Instead he leaves anonymous nastygrams to random people while masturbating furiously.

Watch that hand, John. It's likely to fall off! But keep up the attempts to communicate and someday you, yes you, will even be able to talk to a REAL girl! Probably only on a weekender chat line, and she probably won't be a real girl, but hey, it's better than life now!

Meanwhile I'd like to agree that yes, I'm huge. And no, it isn't the fucker brat (for which phrasing you'll be going straight to hell, have a nice trip) it's actually the neverending eating and total lack of exercise. Next time try paying attention before you infest another site with your particular brand of inanity. The rude and pointless post would be more palatable if you had exhibited a modicum of actual intelligence.

Meanwhile, for those of you who's mothers had kids that lived, soon there will be another weigh-in. A post-vacation weigh in. At which time my elephantine ass will get on the scale and break it all to hell.

Will there be another tsunami? Will entire coastlines run in terror?

Stay tuned!

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-06-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

197.0

Weight gain: .2
% Body Weight gained: 0.1

I'm a whole 1.4 pounds lighter than when I started this project. I'm feeling like an elephant today.

God, I'm all over rashy, I'm sick, and I'm fat.

MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm attractive.

I think that this all has a lot more to do with what a I don't do than with what I do. I haven't figured out yet how to say No. How long will it take? Do alcoholics wonder this? What is it going to take?

I hate my body for so many reasons.

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-05-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

196.8

Weight gain: 1.2
% Body Weight gained: 0.6

Fuck.

I'm fat and I hate myself. I know everyone says to ixnay the elfsay atehay, but dude.. the difference between WOO HOO! LOOK AT ME! and Die you fat bitch appears to be all of ten pounds.

How depressing is it that I can't manage to keep ten pounds lighter?

Fuck.

How did you do?

Who I Want to Be

2006-05-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

By Krissy Poopyhands

I want to be someone who can sit down and eat until I am full, and then stop.

I want to be someone who enjoys working out and is content to find four or five hours in a week to get out there and run.

I want to be someone who looks healthy. Who is able to project the overall effect of being generally fit.

I want to be someone who can walk into a Gap or Express and try on some clothes and have them fit. They don't have to be smalls, and they don't have to look good, they just have to zipper.

My brother-in-law is getting married a year from this coming July or August. His bride is adorable and teeny and he is thin. They are healthy vegan-types and are incredibly cool. I'm not, peeps, NOT going to the UK looking like this next year. Next to all the people in London I'll look like a beached whale.

I thought I'd put together a list of pictures that might help me keep in mind what I'd like to look like. Dresses that I'd like to be able to wear. On my first sweep through Google, this is what I came up with:

I made this sweep a few weeks ago, playing with my imagination and hoping that I'd look a certain way. Upon reflection today I realized that I'm an idiot. If I lost every bit of fat on my body I wouldn't look like these women. When I'm fit, I'm not little. I'm muscular. The boobies! The Butt! It wouldn't look like these women do, no matter how infatuated I am with the wraithy gorgeousness of Cate Blanchett.

So I'm on a mission today to collect more realistic images of women I might resemble more if I became the sort of person who ate reasonable portions; stopped when she was full; and excercised regularly.

I'm going to be thinner when I get to London, peeps, because there are going to be baby Ts and clothes to try on. I'm not shopping in no UK fat lady stores.

P.S. - Doesn't Carrie Fisher look awful from the waist down in that photo? It's like normal torso than eeeny beeny legs. And her calves are about the thickness of her wrists. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-05-24T06:24:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

195.6

Weight gain: 1.2
% Body Weight gained: 0.6

It was a crap week that involved sitting around for long periods of time and pigging out on ice cream and cookies and other crap. I have been feeling awful, and there's something satisfying about my outside looking like my inside feels. Isn't that sick?

I need to keep at it. I need to cut out the sugar again. The sugar is a worse addiction than anything else I've ever encountered. Uck.

How was your week? Did you avoid the pit that I fell into?

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-05-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

194.4

Weight loss: -.8
% Body Weight lost: 0.4

So the runNANG and walking appears to have helped, because I certainly haven't been laying off the crap food the way I should.

How are you doing this week, peeps?

We Were Run-NING

2006-05-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

How the hell do you ever hear it any other way if you've seen Forest Gump? Run-NANG.

Anyhow, the Troublemaker convinced me to go to the gym yesterday and we were run-NANG. It was far too hard to do, good lord it doesn't take long to get out of shape does it? But we did it. I walked/ran two miles. I also brought my stuff to go runNANG today at lunch.

Originally my goal was to try and work up a sweat for 30 minutes every day. That kind of got lost behind the cake and the fork, if you know what I mean. But it's time to get back on the wagon!

AgAIN.

Ugh.

2006-05-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

195.2

Weight loss: +.4
% Body Weight gained: 0.2

Look, I appear to have given up at some point during this process. This week I'm going to try and get back on board. You all help me so much by talking to me and telling me how you're doing. Don't disappear!

Where are you, peeps? How are you doing?

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-05-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

194.8

Weight loss: +1
% Body Weight gained: 0.5

Happy Anniversary to me! Guh. I hate this, I really do. I hate my body and would be just fine digging out the icky bits. WITH A SPORK.

How did you do this week?

A Giant Step!

2006-05-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

In exactly the wrong direction.

There are a thousand excuses for it, peeps, up to and including the Happy Anniversary sheet cake that was oh-so-delicious, but I do NOT want to step on that scale tomorrow. No no no no.

I'll do it, because I love you, but I want you to know that I'm feeling very sorry for myself and put-upon by all this. What kind of universe is it where I have to learn to not eat half a sheet cake??? The crappy kind, that's what.

The Troublemaker says that the only losing is if I give up. So I'm going to keep trying. Again. I'm getting tired of trying, but I'm also not going to die of a heart attack at 40. Period.

Damn, this is tough.

BACK, FOUL SCALE! BACK!

Anyone else out there afraid?

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-04-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

193.8

Weight loss: -1
% Body Weight lost: 0.5

So, moving in the right direction. Just have to keep going.

Check in, Peeps! I'm still waiting to hear from the Troublemaker.

EDIT: The Troublemaker wins again!! He lost two (2) pounds and 1% of his bodyweight!

GO TROUBLEMAKER

I'm Losing Weight MENTALLY, Thank You

2006-04-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

So. Um. So the weight loss is not going so well. The Easter Bunny brought chocolate and with it my sugar addiction. YAY!

The Troublemaker won last week and has collected his prize, of which we will not speak, but I think he's a little worried that I've given up. Which is valid, because I think I gave up for a little bit, there. I'm definately gaining instead of losing, which is shitty of me since it takes so little for me to lose.

I'm having a salad for lunch today, peeps, and will do what I can to get back on the bandwagon. I'll do it today. Right now.

How are your plans going?

The Troublemaker Wins!!!

2006-04-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yep, he lost as much as I gained, so this week my Troublemaker wins!

Good on him.

Right now I'm eating a salad. Watch this space for next week because I don't like to lose.

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-04-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

194.8

Weight loss: +1.4
% Body Weight gained: 0.7

Thank you, Easter Bunny! You friggin asshole.

This is what happens when you eat chocolate and pizza and crap for days and don't move. Well, this is what happens when I do it. I think it's pretty much guaranteed that I lose this week. How did you do, peeps? I'll let you know what happens when the Troublemaker checks in.

The Holiday of Chocolate

2006-04-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

Did not go by un-indulged.

In fact, this week may see a gain instead of a loss. We do what we can.

Kate once made up a list of how many "special" occasions there are in a year, and my lands there are three cheat-worthy events every month.

I have to figure out a way not to let the fact that it's Easter, or, you know, Thursday, get in the way of how I eat. I have to find a different way to celebrate special occasions.

How did you do this Easter, peeps?

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-04-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

This post lost to the mists of time.

I did well, though.

Let the Pre-Pouting Begin!

2006-04-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

The Troublemaker cheated and got on the scale today, folks. Let's just say that I'd have to lose a hell of a lot of weight this week to beat him. And given my boozy, cakey weekend, I'll be pleased if I didn't gain.

I balanced the eating out with a lot of yardwork and chasing after the kid and housework, so I kept active, but I don't know that it's going to be enough to counteract the calories I packed in.

Tomorrow morning is going to be rough. Hold me, peeps!

Exercise - A+! Food - Z-.

2006-04-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

So the exercising has been better than the food this week. We'll see what happens. Usually when I get going I lose even if I don't eat well, but I really should eat better.

It's hard to make good choices on birthdays. Too much cake!

Who knew there could be such a thing?

Went Running

2006-04-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yep, Peeps, I took the advice of the intrepid Kate and went running at lunch. I basically showered yesterday with those medical disposable washcloths and doused myself liberally in deoderant and baby powder. I have a friend who sits next to me at work on Smell Watch, and if anything so much as tickles her nose she's going to let me know.

I ran down to the lake, then up and through Millenium Park, past the Bean and back to work. It was probably about two miles and it felt fantastic. I feel fantastic.

But The Troublemaker is determined to win this week. I'll have to double my efforts!

How has the moving/shaking been going mit you?

Yet Another Note To Self

2006-04-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Self,

This is hard. If it were easy, everyone would be fit and thin and there are a whole lot more people like you out there than like jazzercise leaders. The thing is, you have to plan.

If you're going to be active, and you know this, know that you're going to be hungrier and do something before you're desperate. Try the fiber supliment thing from the book. Make yourself another garden burger or eat three yogurts instead of one. All those choices would be better than sneaking out and having a cheeseburger and fries.

If you MUST MUST MUST have one, then have one. Don't beat yourself up or freak out or do it more than once a month, tops. But for chrissake, try other things before going out for the cheesburger.

And remember: don't let yourself get hungry, but nobody said that you could do this without being crabby. Hungry and jonesing are not the same feeling. Learn to tell the difference.

I'm back in the saddle, peeps. Momentary lapse. Bad choice. I give it up and start again right now.

Self: Good job so far. Don't dissapoint me. You're the only one you hurt.

K

Wednesday Weigh In

2006-04-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Ready?

Here we go:

195.6!

Weight loss: -2.8
% Body Weight: 1.4

My husband lost 2.3lbs. WOO HOO!!

Still, my % total weight loss is bigger, so I win! Hooray!

On the right track. Now I just have to keep going.

What is your weight today, peeps?

You Don't Sweat Much For a Fat Chick

2006-04-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

And other pick-up lines

I just took myself on a walk down to the lake and back for about 40 minutes. While I was walking I realized that I should probably be jogging, what with the fun and many things to see in the city and all.

However, I'm not fortunate enough to be one of those people who have stank-free bodies after running. How do those runny people I see running manage to do it and not alienate the entire office? How do I carry my running gear to and from home along with the computer and brick mommypurse?

I am interested in this phenomenon, yet afraid. Do you do it?

Eating Will Not Make it Better

2006-04-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

I found myself repeating this over and over like a mantra after a particularly difficult Sunday.

I only half believed myself and only half listened. The weekends are brutal.

I'm afraid to get on the scale on Wednesday.

Is anyone else out there weighing in?

Say Ten Hail Marys and Eat a Carrot

2006-03-29T19:59:00.000-08:00

Or: Higher Math

In a comment below, ELEE wrote:

I find it interesting that OA uses the "higher power" when weight loss, for me, is all about ME BEING IN CONTROL. *I* am the only one who controls what food goes into my mouth. And *I* am the only one that can put one foot in front of the other to get my A$$ out the door at 5:30 in the morning for a daily walk. The "God (or whoever) is in control" mantra completely baffles me.

My biggest hurdle, therefore, is Taking control. Because like another of your commenters on your other site, usually I want to turn in my Grown-Up card and let someone else do the hard things for me. :) Like finances. And Work. And Counting Calories.

I think that is a very astute observation; perhaps is essentially the difference between type A and type B personalities, and calls for some clarification into the difference between control and accountability.

To begin, we need to examine the nature of weight loss and gain. In its simplest form, weight loss is a math problem. We utilize X amount of calories in a period of time, we require X amount of cals to cover that expenditure. Should we exceed spending what we deposit, we deplete the fat. Should we exceed depositing what we spend, we gain it. Of course, there are days when the numbers are skewed more one way than another; your bank account dips and rises, yes?; but over time the numbers should approach a nice healthy = sign.

Of course, there are things that can affect that equation. If you are unlucky enough to have an impaired metabolism you have to seriously decrease the amount your body utilizes and that can lower your intake number to ridiculous levels. If you have an overactive thyroid and your body uses enormous amounts of energy it can be tough to increase intake levels to match. But, at the end of the day, the formula is the same. That's why for a billion years the best weight loss advice has been "Eat less, exercise more". Which is another way of saying: "Decrease input, increase output". (Also why WW tends to work. They live this math.)

Having established this as TRUTH, why do so many of us have difficulties?

There are many reasons an individual may have a tough time. Physical handicaps that prevent exercise or halt the processing of food. Medications that increase the sensation that your body needs additional cals that it actually doesn't. In most cases the only advice is to do the best you can and try and love yourself no matter what the result.

However, for most of the people I know, including myself darlings, the answer is that we take a math question and pretend it's a fiction essay. We hover and chew over feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings that having fat/seeing fat/fearing fat/feeling fat/dreaming fat/wanting fat evoke and as we do we find ever more reasonable excuses to eat chocolate cake. For chrissake, my navel-gazing over at Speckblog could make stone cry and yet has nothing whatever to do with the pounds on my thighs.

My mom didn't teach me the right skills

I eat when I'm depressed

I eat when I'm happy

My family always ate like this

I just feel so down unless I have a little something sweet

It's the DON'T BLAME ME I'M THE VICTIM! syndrome, and it's ridiculous how many individuals have bought into this piece of pap. Dude, if you're under 16 I might buy that your home life sets you up to fail and it's not your faaaaaaaauuuult. Anyone over 18 who has been out of the basement in the last ten years gives me that line of bull and I fall all over myself laughing. As we have discussed, the buck stops with you (me).

We are all accountable for what we do to our bodies.

However, control is something else entirely. Control is an active, not passive state. Active states are easy to maintain over short periods, but become more difficult to sustain long-term. In the end, particularly for type A personalities such as myself, control becomes the built-in release valve that ensures failure.

I lock down control of all food and all exercise. I control my environment entirely and eat nothing bad and exercise to extreme levels. I am BIONIC WOMAN. Then, as all superheroes eventually do, I fail. I go to a party where there's cake and have a slice. I fail to wake up in time to get to the gym. I'm human. It's what happens.

At that point my CONTROL is gone and I think to myself, "You fat, horrid pig. Since you are obviously not fit to be in CONTROL then you might as well have another cookie". It's the myth that in all times and places I am going to make 100% good choices and because I am IN CONTROL, pathologically so, when I fall I abandon all effort and sink into self-loathing.

Giving up control to a higher power is actually very passive. Frankly, giving up control at all is very passive. Ghandi was fantastic at it and is a good example to look to. The world exists. I exist. I do not need to chew (as it were) over whether or not I will eat that piece of cake for the next three hours because it's not my decision. My higher power makes the decision for me because I will make a mistake and eat the cake.

I have found (in the whole five days I've been working this way, so bear in mind my opinion is as fickle as a summer breeze) that this way of looking at the decisions surrounding food takes phenomenally less effort. Less effort means a longer sustainability.

Also, if I fall, as I will, being human and all, that doesn't mean that anything internally is awry. It simply means that I stepped forward and made one bad decision that is reversible and certainly minor as long as I don't repeat it. Until the next slip up.

Please keep in mind that I have no idea whether or not this approach will work, but it seems to be working for a lot of folks in OA and is the only way I have ever seen individuals sustain significant healthy living over any long-term period. It has to stop being a battle because all of us get battle-weary.

Of course, then there is the type B personality who is likely to decide that it's SEP (Somebody Else's Problem) and ignore the whole thing. I think that what folks who feel that way should examine is the concept of accountability. Nobody else will not eat the cookie for you. You have to be willing to accept that the fate of the cookie is in your hands, and then give that decision up to someone/something that can make a better one that you're likely to.

And I didn't mean to get all preachy, but I'm really typing to myself here. The Give It Up plan is a new one for me and I'm still working through the mental wedgies involved.

I adore picking mental wedgies.

A First Wednesday Weigh-in

2006-03-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

Alright, fellow losers, it's time for the first weigh-in of this our first weight-loss season. I bought a scale especially for the occasion.

Drumroll please:

198.4

Believe it or not, this is a cheaty weight, since I'm fairly sure that before the no-sugar start on Saturday I was above 200lbs.

Hooray!

Now, as we go along, every week the Troublemaker and I will weigh in. The person who loses the most (based on % of body weight) will get a "night off" to be used that week or a week when it can actually happen.

We are still discussing the finer points, but both the Troublemaker and I have weighed in and are starting the game!

If you'd like to join in we can do a weekly contest. The winner will get a fancy-schmancy ribbon for their website for the week plus something else which I will think of later.

Anyone ready to play?

Whatthefuctose?

2006-03-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

Just for fun I took a look at the information the free no-sugar-added instant hot chocolate our office offers. The ingredients seemed fairly innocuous and the only "ose" or sugar, was Splenda.

Then I looked at the values and there were 7g of sugars listed.

Do cocoa beans have their own sugars? It looks like, essentially, cocoa, Splenda and evaporated milk. Ahhhh, could be the milk I suppose.

I've been having splenda in my coffee in the mornings and I thought it was comparable to saccharine, but if it's a sugar of any kind I'm going to have to find out.

Right now I'm drinking green tea instead.